Private Eye logo
twitter
twitter
rss
rss
rss
gnitty
new coalition academy
A Message From The Headmaster
Issue 1372
dave.jpg As another incredibly successful school year draws to a close, here are just a few housekeeping notes, before I head off for a well-earned holiday(s) till May. (Don’t you mean “October”, Headmaster?)

There will be an end-of-term school auction of desirable items, including all the school playing fields. We are hoping that parents running fracking companies will take advantage of this opportunity to dig deep into their pockets and indeed under the cricket pitch.

Some parents have expressed concern that this might affect areas of natural beauty, but rest assured, there will be no drilling anywhere near the Headmaster’s house and the hugely unpopular school wind turbine, which is something of an eyesore, as it looms over the school swimming pool, may well collapse due to subsequent earthquakes and disappear from view. So everyone will be happy. What will spoil the view will be pupils marching about and camping in ugly tents, with unsightly banners saying such things as “Frack Off”, not to mention “Frack Off”, and the equally imaginative “Frack Off”. Any one entertaining such unhelpful and unoriginal thoughts should, frankly, frack off. We don’t want NIMBYs in our back yard!

Have a chillaxing break!

D.C.

To read more letters from the Headmaster (and of course, the Deputy Head), please buy the latest edition of Private Eye - or subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale:
19th August 2014.
gnitty
More From This Issue
Number
Crunching
more »
Number
Mediaballs
All the latest gaffes
more »
Mediaballs
In The Back
The latest stories
more »
In The Back
Also Available Online
More From This Issue
Private Eye Issue 1372
private eye Only In The Magazine

WoEbola Virus Spreads to Front Pages Shock… Your Stars with the Amazing David Tredinnick MP… Fifty Shades of May – a Sneak Preview… Commonwealth Games, Day 94… The Book of Benjamin, Chapter 95… Me and My Spoon with Dr Jonathan Miller… Banker ‘Doesn’t Break Law’ Shock… World War III Memorial Issue… Ed Miliband Beside the Seaside, as told to Craig Brown

And also...

- Tennis balls: Game, set & match as the Eye uncovers another plagiarist at the Times
- Knacker’s yard: Cleveland police is a small force… but it has big, big problems
- Al-Qaeda Alert: The blabbermouth peer who blew the gaff on Channel Tunnel security
For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.
Next issue on sale: 19th August 2014.

Private Eye Issue 1371
gnitty