St Theresa

The Headmistress Writes
Issue 1457
st theresa.jpg Good afternoon,

Despite what you may have heard over the last couple of weeks, things are going very smoothly here and I’d like to reassure parents that I’m not at all distracted from the vital job of keeping the school running smoo – What? Who? When? With whom? Why did no one tell me? – sorry, where was I? Oh yes, talking about the school running smoothly... 

The main talking-point this week has been the successful unveiling of a statue of the best Headmistress the school has had. Fashioned out of wax by visiting art teacher Madame Tussaud (in her last year at the school, due to anticipated visa issues), all went without a hitch – dear God, what is it now? Damien did what? You’re joking! You’re not joking. Well, don’t ask me, ask his lawyer – forgive me... As I was saying, all went without a hitch, though I was a little surprised to see a statue of Mr Johnson already there outside a mock-up of the Headteacher’s front door. 

Madame Tussaud explained that this was because she was a little confused as to who was actually running the school – What’s that? Whose knee this time? Oh hang on, there’s someone on the other line, I’ll call you back. Hello? WHAT!!! How many times? But she told me she was on holiday. Well, don’t ask me, I’ve got no idea – now where was I, oh yes, running the school. Anyway, straight after the unveiling ceremony I moved the Boris wax dummy to a more appropriate position, away from my front door and right next to the nearest radiator. Soon it will be reduced to an oily lump of sweaty blubber with a mop of blond hair – so even more like the real thing. (Thank you, Mr Williamson, for that quip. I can see you’ll be sticking with me for the long haul – however long or short that turns out to be.) 

Still, that’s quite enough about Boris and his forthcoming meltdown. I’d like to take this opportunity to give you more good news abou – I beg your pardon? I don’t believe it, that’s impossible! Oh, I see, yes, that’s possible. No, that’s quite enough detail, thank you. And him a Christian? No, I don’t know what my father would say either – well, the good news will have to wait, I’m afraid, as it looks like the rest of the newsletter is going to be taken up with saying goodbye to various members of the senior staff room.

Yours sincerely
What? When? How? Wearing women’s perfume? Whatever next? NO!?

Mrs T May
Headmistress ?(at time of going to press)

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Private Eye Issue 1456