user
St Theresa

Sanitorium News
Issue 1438
st theresa.jpg
Mr Hunt is pleased to announce this week’s 2-step plan to improve the Sanatorium. 

In order to offer a better service to sick pupils, he’s going to remove hundreds of beds, which will both save money and reduce overcrowding in the sick-bays, as patients queue to see Dr Godot from the comfort of their trolleys in the corridors.

Stage Two of Mr Hunt’s exciting new proposal involves removing the building itself, so that nobody can complain about being kept waiting in it. Another benefit of this revolutionary “No Sanatorium At All” plan is that there will no longer be any poor standards of hygiene to worry about. Your chances of catching a virus off anyone else will also be reduced, thanks to the complete absence of other patients.

We hope you enjoy what Mr Hunt likes to call the new “skeleton service”.

Foreign Pupils

Mrs May regrets to announce that the school is now completely full up, so there is no room whatsoever for any of the refugee children she promised to help back in the days when helping children was seen as popular, as opposed to deeply unhelpful and against the will of the pupil.

This decision has been taken very much with the children’s best interests in mind. Is there any more valuable lesson to learn than never to trust anyone ever again?

Also they will be learning to stand on their own two feet in that best learning establishment of all, the School of Life, which is currently situated in an old shipping container in a field somewhere on the other side of the English Channel. It’s a Jungle out there, kids.

Mrs T May (Headmistress)

To read all the current news from St Theresa, buy the latest edition of Private Eye - you can subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale: 7th March 2017.
gnitty
More From This Issue
In The Shop
Only In The Magazine
Private Eye Issue 1438

ONLY £1.80
SUBSCRIBE HERE

NEXT ISSUE ON SALE
7th March 2017
In This Issue private eye
Outcry as Judge Rules Owl and Pussycat ‘Cannot Divorce’… ‘I Was There at Nuttall Tragedy’ Claim Hundreds of Journalists… ‘Jump’ Viewers Disappointed as Wiggins Suffers Only Minor Injury… Trump Welcomes Live BBC Reports of SS-UK’s Rise to Power… Brexit Boom Continues As May Closes Britain’s Shops and House Prices Fall… Time to Ban the Bercow – Telegraph Exclusive… Piers Morgan’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

And also...

- Espionage Act: New law could turn hacks and sources into criminals
- Loan arrangers: Selling off student loans is only good news for bankers
- Phone a fiend: The foreign despot agitating back home from a UK prison

For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.

Private Eye Issue 1437