The Totally Secure Prime Minister’s WhatsApp Group
Members Only, Issue 1659
PM's WhatsApp Group
Andy Burnham
In the interests of party unity, can I make it clear that I’m not trying to oust Keir?
That’s good to hear, Andy.
Andy Burnham
Even though a lot of Labour backbenchers are asking me to. They’re sick of this climate of fear. So, watch your back, PM. Not that you need to, because I’m not plotting against you.
Me? No way!
Great to have you onside.
Andy Burnham
I’m not the sort of guy who’d consort with your enemies. As you’ll have read in my exclusive interview with the Daily Telegraph. See you in Liverpool!
I think he’s OK. I don’t think he’ll cause trouble.
Lord Mandelson
You’re such a fine judge of character, Sir Keir!
Morgan McSweeney
Bad news, everyone. Transport to Liverpool’s looking a bit iffy and we need to get there fast.
Yvette Cooper
Train?
Heidi Alexander
Hahaha!
Can’t we fly up there? I fly everywhere.
Lord Mandelson
Me too!
Heidi Alexander
We can’t fly. Heathrow’s knackered due to a cyber- attack. And we’ve only just given the green light for the second runway at Gatwick.
Ed Miliband
WHAT!!!!???
To read all of the PM's highly confidential Whatsapp Group Chat, buy the latest edition of Private Eye - you can subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale: 16th October 2025
gnitty
MORE TOP STORIES ONLINE
Spitting Hoyle
Spitting Hoyle
Who riled the speaker?
HP Sauce, Issue 1649
Watery grave
Watery grave
How Thames Water's troubles began
News, Issue 1649
Turning rogue
Turning rogue
Kemi Badenoch's controversial new friends
HP Sauce, Issue 1659
ALSO IN THIS ISSUE
ONLY IN THE MAGAZINE
Private Eye Issue 1659
In This Issue
Shocking scenes as golf hooligan ruins Ryder Cup... Tony Blair offers to run Britain... This paper’s advice to Ed Miliband, whom we hate... Conservatives who introduced compulsory ID for voters outraged by compulsory ID system... ‘We’re a serious party now’ says Ed Davey on jet ski... Link between paracetamol and aut-horitarian-ism now proved... Let’s Parlez Franglamericain!... Israel warns "doing anything will lead to more killing"... Sarah, Duchess Of York’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

Business mates
The corporate fairy dust in the air at Labour conference

Grouse of York
Team Ghislaine turns on Fergie

Candour wax
Why the Hillsborough Law won’t prevent major scandals

Read these stories and much more - only in the magazine. Subscribe here to get delivery direct to your home and never miss an issue!
ONLY £2.99
SUBSCRIBE HERE
NEXT ISSUE ON SALE
16th October 2025
WHY SUBSCRIBE?
Private Eye Issue 1658
ALSO AVAILABLE ONLINE