The New Prime Minister’s Highly Confidential WhatsApp Group
Members Only, Issue 1612
PM's WhatsApp Group
David Cameron
So, hi guys. Let’s get down to business. You can call me Lord Dave.
Hang on, Lord Dave. I’m still Prime Minister.
David Cameron
Oh – was that the deal? Yes, of course. My bad. You carry on, Sunak. I’d like to welcome some new faces to the WhatsApp group. As well as the old face –
Lee Anderthal
Fookin’ hell – what surprise have you got for us next? Is it fookin’ Liz Truss as Chancellor? Is she hiding under the fookin’ table?!
Liz Truss
Hello! I’ve got some great ideas for growth that Jeremy may be interested in.
Liz Truss has been removed from the group, despite her gluing herself to her mobile phone.
Jeremy Hunt
I’m still Chancellor. I wasn’t reshuffled and I’m in charge of tax cuts, even though I’m against them, and Rishi announced them anyway.
Yes, this is the big reset before the election, where we turn the corner.
Oliver Dowden
You mean we U-turn the corner! We put the past behind us.
Lee Anderthal
And then fookin’ rehire him as Foreign Secretary!
David Cameron
I can see we’re going to get on, Lee. Or can I call you ‘Oiky’?
Come on, Team Rishi, we’re all, to coin a phrase, “in this together”
David Cameron
That’s what Osborne and I said ten years ago, the last time we tried austerity, and we seemed to get away with it!
Great. Thanks, Lord Dave. Good to have your experience on board. And your wisdom.
David Cameron
Talking of which can I introduce you to a friend of mine – Lex Greensill.
Lex Greensill
G’day Poms! Dave’s got a bonzer deal for you and your economy. Reverse wombat finance. Mate’s rates.
The administrators have removed Mr Greensill on the grounds that he’s overdue an appointment at His Majesty’s pleasure.
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Private Eye Issue 1612
In This Issue
Supreme Court to be deported to Rwanda… Ironyometer blows up as UAE hosts COP28… ‘End of truce promise’ cheers weapons manufacturers… New fears for Stormont MPs as it is in danger of reconvening… Perfect legs article goes on and on… Lines on the cancellation of BBC TV’s Top Gear… Airship in ‘rapid unscheduled disassembly’ says Hindenburg boss… Michael Sheen criticises casting of Michael Sheen… Scientists solve mystery of why just one glass of red wine gives you a headache… This Morning with Sarah Ferguson, as told to Craig Brown

School’s out
The college boss who has been barred from working in education

Red for danger
Labour’s candidate selection chaos

Paper tigers
The art of deception in the auction for the Telegraph

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13th December 2023
Private Eye Issue 1611