Prime Minister's Whatsapp Group Chat
Members Only, Strictly Confidential, Issue 1573
PM's WhatsApp Group
What’s Appening, folks?
Guto Harri
We’ve lost shedloads of seats.
Don’t worry, it’s only the boring old local elections.
Guto Harri
No it isn’t, we’ve got yet another Tory MP sex scandal. At this rate, we’ll lose our entire Commons majority before Christmas.
Cripes! Surely no one will want Neil Parish’s seat – not after he’s been sitting in it!
Guto Harri
It’s not funny.
Oh come on, it is a bit.
Jacob Rees-Mogg
I’ve no idea what you’re talking about but it’s marvellously funny. The public love you.
Well they certainly do oop North. Gotta share this!
It’s me with a Red Wall’s ice cream! See what I did there?
Guto Harri
Yes, you lost another seat.
Nonsense. They love me in Teasmade. Or is it Tynemouth? Whitley Houston Bay in Ant and Decshire?
Rishi Sunak
I’m not sure this is helping.
You still here? I’d have thought Priti would have sent you and the wife packing to Rwanda by now, with your dodgy paperwork!
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Oh that’s awfully good.
Rishi Sunak has left the group. Again
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Next issue on sale: 25th May 2022
Private Eye Issue 1573
In This Issue
BP and Shell executives see grounds for optimism in Ukraine war as oil price goes through the roof… Britain to lead world again, says Sun, as Europe’s fattest nation by 2033… People traffickers hail Rwanda scheme a triumph as migrants rush to cross Channel before deportation deadline…No more medicines, powdered baby milk or travelling on the M20 to Dover – those Brexit Bonanza Bills in full… Jubilation across the media as TalkTV’s tumbling ratings become must-see event… Motorists face yet more gridlock as Highways Agency tactics outperform Extinction Rebellion and Insulate Britain… EU still struggling to switch energy supplier as US, Norway and Gulf states charge even more than Russia… Allison Pearson’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

Wag trade
Rooney and Vardy in the box

SLAPP in the face
Lawyers versus freedom speech

Cord values
An Eye special on dodgy stem cell treatments

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25th May 2022
Private Eye Issue 1572