Opening montage of Manchester street
with terraced houses. The Grimupnorth
Brassic Band plays theme tune as camera
pans past the Voters Return pub. Lowry the
matchstick-thin Downing Street North cat
scampers out of the way as a sweaty but
hunky runner in unmistakable shorts jogs
into the pub.
Andy Burnham Who’s says I’m not fit to run a pub? I’ve just completed the Great Make the North Great Again Run. Excuse me for being so sweaty!
Yvette Cooper You’re not as sweaty as our John. He’s just had another look in the till.
Andy Burnham Keep your hairnet on, our Yvette. It can’t be that bad.
We hear a voice from the cellar.
John Healey It is, you know.
Andy Burnham What’s our John doing in the cellar? Is he changing the barrel?
Pat McFadden Scraping it, more like.
A sweaty John Healey appears through the trap door. He has a gash on his forehead.
Yvette Cooper Ooh, you’ll need a plaster on that. What happened to you?
John Healey Bashed me head on the ceiling. There’s no headroom.
In the corner, a woman in a headscarf sobs quietly into a pint of rum and black hole.
Rachel Reeves Tell me about it.
Next issue on sale: 8th October 2026
