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Issue 1612

"That has made an impossible task impossible now"

"This Sri Lanka team ceases to amaze me every time we watch them"

"It's an easy finish for Rice, it really is, a cultured finish, not an easy finish at all"

"He is shining the laces of Luis Palma, the man who created the goal"

"He's literally been a one-man show, he and Justin Herbert"

gnitty
Please email your entries to balls@private-eye.co.uk. £10 paid for submissions printed in the magazine.

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Help yourself
How Rishi Sunak has cut aid for Palestine

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Line of inquiry
The costly spy cops inquiry

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In This Issue

Supreme Court to be deported to Rwanda… Ironyometer blows up as UAE hosts COP28… ‘End of truce promise’ cheers weapons manufacturers… New fears for Stormont MPs as it is in danger of reconvening… Perfect legs article goes on and on… Lines on the cancellation of BBC TV’s Top Gear… Airship in ‘rapid unscheduled disassembly’ says Hindenburg boss… Michael Sheen criticises casting of Michael Sheen… Scientists solve mystery of why just one glass of red wine gives you a headache… This Morning with Sarah Ferguson, as told to Craig Brown

School’s out
The college boss who has been barred from working in education

Red for danger
Labour’s candidate selection chaos

Paper tigers
The art of deception in the auction for the Telegraph

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