"Our base from three o'clock, Tottenham against Spurs"
MARK CHAPMAN, Radio 5 Live

"You're just trying to keep your head under the pulpit"
GRAEME SWANN, Radio 5 Live

"An American climber has scaled a half- metre-high skyscraper in Taiwan with no rope or harness"
CLARE RUNACRES, BBC 6 Music

"You've been like... not Romeo and Juliet because that ended badly. Maybe Bonnie and Clyde"
CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN, BBC1

"Today was a lot harder than expected. I knew it was going to be"
PATRICK REED, YouTube

Please email your entries to balls@private-eye.co.uk. £10 paid for submissions printed in the magazine.