People’s Prime Minister’s Very Important Televised Statement to the Nation
Live on Fakebook, Issue 1522
PM's Questions
Johnson: … So, to sum up, nothing has changed, except the slogan. Yes, that’s changed. And that is important. We have changed the word ‘Home’ to ‘Alert’ and the alert amongst you will already have spotted that. ‘Stay alert’ – it’s very catchy, though not, unfortunately, quite as catchy as the virus!

No, Boris (serious face) is absolutely committed to moving forward by staying where we are. Alert. And the very alert amongst you will have noticed that it’s not just the words that have changed. We’ve also changed the colour, from red to green, from stop to go.

So Stop doing what you were doing, and Go on doing what you were doing, in a slightly different way. Because you, the British people, have done brilliantly er... er... er... I am confident we can face the future with a new slogan, a new approach, a new colour scheme, a new clarity of purpose, starting on Monday – or maybe Wednesday.

So remember the new message, which is so simple you can’t possibly forget it: Stay Awake, Control Your Hair, Take the Dog for a Walk. Any questions from the Great British Public? Yes, you, Ms Apprehension?

Ms Apprehension: What on earth was all that about?...

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Private Eye Issue 1522
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Stay Awake, Control Your Hair, Take the Dog for a Walk: The PM’s TV address in full… Jubilation as Britain wins Eurovirus Contest… Nationwide shortage of tiny violins as Rich List reveals UK billionaires ‘lost some money’… ‘Clap responsibly’ urge hand experts on NHS Thursdays… Crucial supplies of patience, humour and conversation run out as UK enters lockdown Week 94… Simon Heffer: What to read in lockdown, as told to Craig Brown

Brief lies
The papers and the PM at odds

World of Sport
A Fifa farce in Lausanne

Pandemic latest
Risk in the time of Corona

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Private Eye Issue 1521