Boris (singing): Rule, Britannia, Britannia rule the waves, apart from the bit in the Channel full of Froggy fishermen and migrants, obviously, Britons never never never shall be slaves, unless you work for Boohoo or Amazon or Deliveroo or Uber or Sports Direct or, in my case, Dominic Cummings. Rule, Britannia! Britannia rule the second wave!

(MUSIC SWIFTLY CHANGES TO ‘LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY’)

Boris (singing): Land of Groping Tory!

(MUSIC FADES)

Boris: Whoops! I’m afraid that’s sub judice! But let me first say: It’s great to be back! Everyone’s back at work and by “everyone” I mean virtually no one apart from me. So we’re getting Britain moving, mostly from the bedroom to the kitchen table. But Parliament’s back! Government’s back! I’m back! And Covid’s back! No no, it isn’t. That’s next week’s speech, sorry Dom…