Boris: Right, testing, testing, testing… tracing, tracing, tracing… hahaha! Is this microphone working?

PM's Official Spokesperson: Unfortunately yes.

Boris: How Presidential do I look?

PM's Official Spokesperson: Very. Half-Trump, half-Putin.

Boris: OK, you have a go then, Allegra, see how good you are. Read out that statement about the woman we don't mention.

PM's Official Spokesperson: Your wife?

Boris: No, the other one.

PM's Official Spokesperson: Oh give us a clue! We could be here all day.

Boris: Jennifer Arcuri.

PM's Official Spokesperson: I thought we weren't supposed to mention her.

Boris: Just read it out.

PM's Official Spokesperson: The Prime Minister acts with integrity and… haha, no, I can't do it… OK, serious face. The Prime Minister acts with honesty and… no, hahahahaha… too funny!

Boris: Oh come on Allegra, do it for me. Think serious thoughts. 100 grand a year, that kind of thing.

PM's Official Spokesperson: The Prime Minister acts with integrity and honesty. Yes! Done it!

Boris: I knew you could do it. That's why I chose a woman. Just lie back… well, lie - and think of England.

PM's Official Spokesperson: And Scotland and Wales. And Northern Ireland obviously. Though probs best not to mention them…

Boris: Right, rehearsal over! Let's wheel out the boffins, bring in the rat-pack and the odd on-screen prole – and let the circus begin.