No, Boris (serious face) is absolutely committed to moving forward by staying where we are. Alert. And the very alert amongst you will have noticed that it’s not just the words that have changed. We’ve also changed the colour, from red to green, from stop to go.

So Stop doing what you were doing, and Go on doing what you were doing, in a slightly different way. Because you, the British people, have done brilliantly er... er... er... I am confident we can face the future with a new slogan, a new approach, a new colour scheme, a new clarity of purpose, starting on Monday – or maybe Wednesday.

So remember the new message, which is so simple you can’t possibly forget it: Stay Awake, Control Your Hair, Take the Dog for a Walk. Any questions from the Great British Public? Yes, you, Ms Apprehension?

Ms Apprehension: What on earth was all that about?...