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A Message From The Headmaster
Issue 1378
dave.jpg What ho, squires and sluts!

A lot of parents have been voicing concerns that I’m beginning to sound like Mr Farage, who runs the fruitcake stall. Hahahaha, now that’s funny enough to make me spill my pint and light up another ciggy!

I’m accused of being obsessed by Mr Farage, which is absolute poppycock, as Nigel would say, and honestly I don’t give him a thought. That’s Nigel, I’m talking about. He doesn’t influence school policy, particularly not the new school cap (see advert below).

My decision to reduce the numbers of foreign pupils has been a long-standing policy objective dating back to this morning. And my promise to cancel all future school trips to Europe has been on my mind for several minutes now. People claiming otherwise are just taking the Nigel – sorry, Michael – and it’s insulting to assume my running of the school is a complete Farrago.

But enough of Mr Farage – whoever he is! – let’s talk about school bonfire night where we’ll be burning the traditional effigy of the Guy with the wax jacket and mustard-coloured trousers and stripy tie who tried to blow up the school. Pupils will be collecting money as usual by wheeling the ludicrous dummy round the school, with a sign saying “Euro for the Nige”. We’re hoping that with all that alcohol inside him, he’ll go up in smoke – and I don’t mean Rothmans…

D.C.

To read more letters from the Headmaster (and of course, the Deputy Head), please buy the latest edition of Private Eye - or subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale:
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For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.
Next issue on sale: 11th November 2014.

Private Eye Issue 1377
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