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Home secretary pledges 20,000 additional empty promises to end crisis … That 'close down the BBC' campaign statement in full... Roman Times: Anti-Judean People's Front Party launched… City ironyometer crashes: by Our Financial Staff, Minnie Budget … Freedom of Speech: an Apology – exclusive to all Tory newspapers… The British lemmings party considers a change of leadership… Ukraine hit by record barrage of excuses on weapons supplies… Film highlights: Jurassic World Rebirth resurrects extinct franchise from ancient movie DNA… Diary: Noel Edmonds talks lettuce, as told to Craig Brown.

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