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Members Only, Issue 1659

Andy Burnham
In the interests of party unity, can I make it clear that I’m not trying to oust Keir?

That’s good to hear, Andy.

Andy Burnham
Even though a lot of Labour backbenchers are asking me to. They’re sick of this climate of fear. So, watch your back, PM. Not that you need to, because I’m not plotting against you.

Me? No way!

Great to have you onside.

Andy Burnham
I’m not the sort of guy who’d consort with your enemies. As you’ll have read in my exclusive interview with the Daily Telegraph. See you in Liverpool!

I think he’s OK. I don’t think he’ll cause trouble.

Lord Mandelson
You’re such a fine judge of character, Sir Keir!

Morgan McSweeney
Bad news, everyone. Transport to Liverpool’s looking a bit iffy and we need to get there fast.

Yvette Cooper
Train?

Heidi Alexander
Hahaha!

Can’t we fly up there? I fly everywhere.

Lord Mandelson
Me too!

Heidi Alexander
We can’t fly. Heathrow’s knackered due to a cyber- attack. And we’ve only just given the green light for the second runway at Gatwick.

Ed Miliband
WHAT!!!!???

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Shocking scenes as golf hooligan ruins Ryder Cup... Tony Blair offers to run Britain... This paper’s advice to Ed Miliband, whom we hate... Conservatives who introduced compulsory ID for voters outraged by compulsory ID system... ‘We’re a serious party now’ says Ed Davey on jet ski... Link between paracetamol and aut-horitarian-ism now proved... Let’s Parlez Franglamericain!... Israel warns "doing anything will lead to more killing"... Sarah, Duchess Of York’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

Business mates
The corporate fairy dust in the air at Labour conference

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Team Ghislaine turns on Fergie

Candour wax
Why the Hillsborough Law won’t prevent major scandals

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