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Members Only, Issue 1658

Welcome back, Cabinet 2.0. The re-reboot of the re-reset starts today.

Morgan McSweeney
We’ve turned what could have been a disaster into an opportunity.

Darren Jones
It’s certainly an opportunity for me! Thanks, boss, for making me Chief Secretary to the Prime Minister and Chancellor.

Rachel Reeves
It’s Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, Darren!

Darren Jones
Yes, of course. Or ‘Chancellor’ for short.

Rachel Reeves
I’m still Chancellor. I’m still in charge of the economy.

Pat McFadden
I wouldn’t shout about that if I were you!

Is everyone clear about what their new jobs are?

David Lammy
Absolutely, Keir. What does the Deputy Prime Minister do again?

Darren Jones
A bit of DJ-ing in Ibiza, a bit of property speculation, a bit of vaping in a dinghy – you’ll get the hang of it.

Angela Rayner
Fook off, Darren, you sycophantic twat! I haven’t been removed yet.

Shabana Mahmood
Yes, you have! I’m removing everyone – and you’d better believe it.

Angela Rayner has been removed from the WhatsApp group and been sent back to where she came from. Up North. Or possibly Hove, depending on legal advice.

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In This Issue

Last night of the Toms 'huge success'… Pot accuses kettle of enabling political violence… Mandelson receives dressing down… Nurseryland tests new alarm system… 'Telegraph overvalued' says Angela Rayner's house… Farage says 'I mis-spoke'… Paul Burrell writes in his sensational memoir "What the butler never saw"… World condemns Qatar strike and warns Israel it's 'prepared to do nothing'… 'Raise taxes for other people' agrees everyone… Helen Garner's Diary, as told to Craig Brown

Whisky sour
The tale of a beauty spot, a distiller… and its effluent

On Strike
Who is JK Rowling targeting in her new book?

Rising son
Mum's the word for one Labour MP's new office manager

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