"You, last year, were made Master of the King's Music: the most Elizabethan job title in the world"
GEORGIA MANN, Radio 3

"You've got to get them through the door before the window shuts"
KAREN CARNEY, TNT Sports

"Cameron Young's been flawless. He's missed the last couple of greens"
OLI FISHER, Sky Sports

"Noel Gallagher – a lot of people say he's got nothing between the eyes"
EMMA B, Virgin Radio

"Final words from Shubman Gill – 'stay calm' will be one of the words, I'm sure"
MICHAEL VAUGHAN, 5 Live Sports Extra

Please email your entries to balls@private-eye.co.uk. £10 paid for submissions printed in the magazine.