The All-New 'Time For A Change' Prime Minister’s WhatsApp Group
Members Only, Issue 1628
PM's WhatsApp Group
I had a fascinating conversation with President Biden. He told me that he’d spent a whole year mastering how to say Rashi Sanook and now he was struggling with how to pronounce Sirkya Stamma, which he imagined was another Indian name.
David Lammy
So I should prepare to deal with President Trump, then?
Definitely now he’s been shot! Let’s hope he’s in shock and doesn’t remember you calling him a ‘neo-Nazi sympathising sociopath’.
David Lammy
But it’s the truth!
We’re in Government now, David.
Morgan McSweeney
Ruthlesswise, you’re on 11 out of 10!
Rachel Reeves
Actually, I’m Number 11, the PM has always historically lived at Number 10. I think it’s important for us to get these figures right, if we’re to earn the trust of the public.
Morgan McSweeney
You’re doing a great job too, Rachel – of making Keir look interesting.
Darren Jones
Speaking of numbers, there’s so many new Labour MPs, I could barely get a seat in the Commons.
Wes Streeting
As Health Secretary, I had to wait on a trolley in the corridor. The NHS is broken, I tell you, and it’s not our fault.
Louise Haigh
As Transport Secretary, I couldn’t get a seat either and had to stand for hours, and that’s not our fault either.
Shabana Mahmood
As Justice Secretary, I’d like to say that the crowded Labour benches were even more crowded than a crowded British prison. And that’s not our fault either.
Morgan McSweeney
This is great! How long do you think we can get away with blaming everything on the Tories?
About 14 years?
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Private Eye Issue 1628
In This Issue
Election Night TV: What you missed… Liz Truss writes exclusively on why the Tories lost the election… Rats in sack disagree over best way forward… Why can't Labour just admit it lost the election, by Owen Jones… Those amusing notes left on the desk by outgoing Conservative ministers to welcome their Labour replacements, in full… Conspiracy update: Trump assassination attempt special… Gnomemart sale: Armchair conspiracy theorist armchair … Great speeches of our time No 94: Ex-president Trump on Nato… Giles Brandreth: my 9 secrets of happiness, as told to Craig Brown.

Letby lessons
MD reviews the evidence on medical experts and fair trials

Holy Ghosting
Seven years and counting for CofE review on sadist Smyth

Fleet Street's finest get hot under the collar

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1st August 2024
Private Eye Issue 1627