Prime Minister's Questions
Live on Fakebook, Issue 1541
fb fb-boris fb like PM's Questions Right folks, Let's get straight on with the business in hand. First question, Laura Koronaberg, from the BBC, aka the Bashing Boris Corporation. Go on, then. Do your worst.

Laura Koronaberg: The question the public want answered, Prime Minister, is 'Can I book my summer holiday?'.

Boris: Good question. And the answer is very simple. Next question.

Prime Minister's Press Secretary (formerly Spokesperson until it became obvious she wasn't allowed to do any speaking): No, you've got to answer that one.

Boris: Well, Allegra, I shall defer to the experts here. The Health Secretary, Matt Hancock…

Hancock: Yes, I've booked up for Cornwall!

Boris: … and the Transport Secretary, Grant Shapps.

Shapps: Are you crazy? It's too early to book for anything! Stay inside. Don't go anywhere. Hands, Face, Space.

Boris: Actually, Grant, we've got a new 3-word slogan that our sloganologists have been working on, which says everything about Government policy. 'Don't Plan Ahead'. Catchy, eh? We certainly don't, so why should you? See what happens, go with the flow, coast along (though not the Cornish coast, as Hancock's going to be there).

Press Secretary: I thought we were going to cut the jokes?

Boris: No, we're keeping Hancock for a while yet. See what I did there? Top impromptu banter, there, not planning ahead, just going with the flow, coasting along…

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Private Eye Issue 1541
In This Issue
WHO experts given unfettered access to cells which held whistleblowing doctors dismiss Chinese coronavirus lab theory… NHS Titanic captain announces ambitious plan to restructure deckchair facilities… Excitement grows over Boris Burrow to Northern Ireland that will never be built… Shellfish trade vanishes from UK ports – along with any sign of Nigel Farage crowing about Brexit… Spotify, Apple and Amazon release revolutionary new “Just Going for a Walk Without Listening to Another Celebrity Podcast” product… Government commits extra £3.5bn for “protective shield” against claims it did nothing to remove dangerous cladding… Snow, ice and freezing temperatures leave millions stuck under the duvet.

Knuckle down!
At home with Princess Anne (and Craig Brown)

Cap'n Bob is back
Look who's resurfaced in the Eye

Vandemic update
White Van Man delivers lessons for all

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