"The goalkeeper suffered from cramp... which is not a physical thing"
HELEN WARD, Radio 5 Live

"Hulkenberg pulls out and finds a damp patch"
DAVID CROFT, Sky Sports F1

"You're a very self-defecating... deprecating is the word I just said, a self- deprecating man"
MATT RENDELL, ITV4

"All eight legs, 16 feet moving in the same direction at the same time"
NATASHA HUNT, Sky Sports

"Is it possible to edit out Gregg Wallace's bits?"
NAGA MUNCHETTY, Radio 5 Live

Please email your entries to balls@private-eye.co.uk. £10 paid for submissions printed in the magazine.