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Members Only, Issue 1638

Morgan McSweeney
Hi, boss. What country are you in now?

I don’t recognise it, it’s all very unfamiliar.

Morgan McSweeney
That’ll be Britain, then.

That explains why everyone looks so miserable. What’s been going on, team?

Morgan McSweeney
You’ve upset the employers, you’ve upset the farmers and you’ve upset the pensioners.

Darren Jones
That’s "old" news!

Morgan McSweeney
The Prime Minister has actually been distancing himself from these issues.

Darren Jones
By about 5,000 miles!

I think you’ll find that I haven’t upset anyone, Darren. You have as Treasury Secretary. And Rachel has, as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Angela Rayner
If she really is Chancellor of the Exchequer. Just because it’s on her bloody CV, it doesn’t mean anything.

Darren Jones
Your CV says you’re Deputy Prime Minister and that definitely doesn’t mean anything!

Angela Rayner
Actually, I’ve just seen the Pope, so you can fuck off, Darren!

Yvette Cooper
Angela met the Pope? You couldn’t make it up!

Angela Rayner
Rachel could! I bet it’s already on her CV. ‘Papal Nunciate, Vatican City HR Department, 2001-2008’!

Rachel Reeves
I never claimed that. And anyway I deleted it from LinkedIn as long ago as yesterday afternoon.

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Confused mob burns down Greggs… Farmer protests ruined by Mr Toad… Britain's most scenic sewerage treatment works revealed… Labour in assisted dialling turmoil… Ceasefire paves way for 'sustained period of war'… Conspiracy update: Jaguar advert special… Rich nations promise to pretend to pay £240bn… Anniversary of Christmas charity event marred by criticism… Jordan Peterson's Biblical A-Z, as told to Craig Brown

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The UK is failing to sanction Putin's looting machine

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Labour's NHS reform is in the hands of fans of outsourcing

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