Prime Minister's Whatsapp Group Chat
Members Only, Strictly Confidential, Issue 1578
PM's WhatsApp Group
Greetings! I’m back and I’m still in charge, achieving amazing things, delivering my mandate, saving the country on a daily basis.
Hello? Is anyone still here?
Nadine Dorries
Of course, Prime Minister, I’m right behind you forever, whatever happens, till death us do part.
Enough of that, Mad Nad! I’ve warned you before, fan girl. I’m still here.
Phew, I thought you might have given me the heave-ho, like all the other traitors who betrayed me as I heroically delivered Brexit, conquered Covid and saved Ukraine.
Guto Harri
Before you say that in public, could I just point out that we’re not quite over the line with Brexit, Covid’s still a bit of an issue and the Russians appear to be expanding their operations in what’s left of Ukraine?
Snowflake, Judas, Bumboy, Girl’s Blouse, Twittertwat, Bollard!
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Oh, you’re so good! Not since Disraeli have we witnessed such marvellous eloquence and oratory, nor such high standards of personal morality.
Steady on, Creepy! I’m glad you’re still here, obviously, but there’s enough smoke in the air already, I don’t need any more blown up my backside.
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Top-notch wildfire-related banter, sire.
I’m on fire! Like everything else!
Simon Winecase
You really should have gone to that Cobra meeting about heatwave emergencies.
Pish and tosh, I’ve got a far more important agenda – my Fuckit List! See what I did there? Not Bucket List, but Fuckit List.
Nadine Dorries
I’m giving you a standing ovation.
Thanks, the Madster!
Nadine Dorries
Am I on your Fuckit List too?
Carrie has left the group
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Next issue on sale: 10th August 2022
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Private Eye Issue 1578
In This Issue
Vote Liz Truss or it'll be this hot every day – Doolally Mail Exclusive… Now it's cooled down, stop worrying about climate crisis until next heatwave, advises Met Office… Joy as Britain gets to host cheesy spanglefest of Tory Party Anti-Eurovision Contest… Viewers shocked twentysomething hook-up show Love Island turns out to be sexist and misogynistic… EuroMillions jackpot winner to splash out on some groceries and then fill the car up with petrol… Gullible pensioners warned of doorstep scam artists claiming to be Mrs Thatcher… Netflix will have to be more like Netflix if it's to survive against Netflix, says Nadine Dorries… Public dismay as Tom Cruise fails to show up for birthday party of Tooting toddler… Tom Bower's Meghan Markle, as told to Craig Brown

Nukes bulletin
More security failings at Sellafield

City breaks
Chancellor's post-Brexit financial free-for-all

Bang to rights
A lockdown leaving do at the Mail on Sunday

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10th August 2022
Private Eye Issue 1577