Prime Minister's Whatsapp Group Chat
Members Only, Strictly Confidential, Issue 1574
PM's WhatsApp Group
Douze points for moi! Terrific victory in the Eurosceptics Song Contest.
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Oh most amusing, Prime Minister!
Merci buckets, Creepie!
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Oh, please desist, Prime Minister, my sides are bursting with Eurovision mirth!
The fact is everyone loves Britain again, ie they all love me. Nul points is history, thanks to my Churchillian shtick of telling Comrade Zelensky how marvellous I am.
Rishi Sunak
Ukraine had better win the war, Prime Minister, or else, as runners-up, we’ll have to host next year’s Eurovision and there’s no way we can afford it. The energy bills for the light show alone would sink us.
Gadzooks, you don’t mean to say that all those Euro johnnies voted for us in the hope that we’d get lumbered with the bill for next year? I thought there was something fishy going on, because, frankly, the long-haired beardie warbling that song was a bit of a waste of Spaceman!
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Ouch! My ribs have been critically overtickled! At this rate, I’m going to need an ambulance.
Sajid Javid
Good luck with that!
Guto Harri
Back to the agenda.
Do we have one? First I’ve heard of it. Can’t we just do it all off the cuff? The Bozzman flies by the seat of his pants, like Maverick in Top Gun!
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Oh you’re so like him! And I’m your wingman.
Have you seen the film, Creepie?
Jacob Rees-Mogg
No. But I’ve been briefed by my SPAD and he told me it’s all about flying machines.
Guto Harri
I’m serious. Inflation’s hit a new record, there’s a Cost of Living crisis and the Northern Ireland protocol is unravelling.
Is that bad? Feels great to me. I love a bit of chaos. Or quite a lot of chaos really. In fact, my Chaos Theory is that if everything’s in chaos, chances are something will go right.
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Private Eye Issue 1574
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How dare Sue Gray try to politicise the report she was asked to produce by the Prime Minister, says Daily Blackmail… Downing St wants public to forget what happened in 2020 as PM insists UK cannot spend its way out of cost-of-living crisis… Fears rise that working people will soon no longer be able to afford eggs to throw at Thatcher statue… Detailed analysis of historic crime scene shows JFK was shot by Palestinian snipers, claims Israeli Defence Force… Kremlin confirms retired army colonel who told TV viewers of Russian forces’ plight in Ukraine has committed suicide in three weeks’ time… Praise as ordinary gay man braves social stigma of admitting: ‘Yes, I’m a professional footballer’… Memories of the Silver Jubilee 1977, as told to Craig Brown

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