Prime Minister's Questions
Live on Fakebook, Issue 1550
fb fb-boris fb like PM's Questions (Prime Minister enters to Russian Sound System blaring "Freedom" by St George Michael, hastily replaced by "Stayin' Alive" by the Heebeegeebees)

Boris: Yes, it's Freedom Day! Or rather, it's Terminus Day! Which means the train's been slightly delayed. And replaced with a bus. So we will reach the terminus eventually, but in the meantime we're going to ease off the accelerator, slow right down, look for somewhere to pull over, realise we're on a smart motorway, panic because there's no hard shoulder, put hazard lights on and prepare for major pile-up!

First Lady: Do you really think a polluting vehicle is a good metaphor for 2021?

Boris: Cripes, yes, quite right. How about a plane instead? Doors to manual, ejector seat, parachutes on , dive dive dive! Or is that a submarine? Great film, Das Boot. Which I'm not giving to Matt Hancock any time soon.

First Lady: You're rambling.

Boris: Yes, rambling, much better. Very green. Cornish coast, baby in the rucksack, on with the good old hiking boot – which I'm still not going to give to Matt Hancock.

First Lady: Do you want me to do this? Now Allegra's been "promoted" out of the picture, I could be the spokesperson. Given that I've come up with most of these policies, I might as well explain them.

Boris: No. Trust me…

First Lady: You've got to be kidding...

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Next issue on sale: 4th August 2021
Private Eye Issue 1550
In This Issue
G7 pledges 1bn empty vaccine promises to poor nations… HS2 brings Lib Dems 15 minutes closer to government after Amersham by-election… New royal yacht that doesn’t exist crashes into ‘Boris Island Airport’… Frogmore Prince sparks row after naming new tadpole Lily – Nursery Times Exclusive… Rat leaves SS Boris to join sinking SS Starmer… ‘Meghan is Princess Diana’ – those ‘sweet’ messages hidden in Meghan’s children’s book… Let’s Parler Franglais: La Guerre des Sausages… Dr Naomi Wolf’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

Brexit bonanza?
Trouble for UK science on the EU Horizon

Profits of doom
The pandemic that keeps paying out (for some)

Battle stations!
That Great Brillo News launch on TV

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4th August 2021
Private Eye Issue 1549