Prime Minister's Question Time
Live on Fakebook, Issue 1509
PM's Questions
Ah, this one is from Alice Springs, who asks: 

Are you going to get Brexit done, mate?

Good question, Ms Springs. And the answer is: you betcha! I’ve got an oven-ready Brexit all set to slam into the microwave, turn it up to Gas Mark 4 and ping! Pong! Whiff! Whaff! Out comes a delicious Brexit, not at all half-baked, nor totally stuffed and only just past its Best Before date of October 31st!

What could be more yummy-mummy and truly scrummy? What’s that? Carrie’s come in from next door, saying I shouldn’t use culinary metaphors, as I can’t even boil a kettle. But that’s not true. When I was living in my car, during my most recent marital transition extension negotiations, I was practically self-sufficient and had one of those thingies you plug into the cigarette lighter to heat up a pot noodle.

So I know what I’m talking about, be it a savoury instant snack or a complex 197-page international trade agreement to be fished out of the oven, reheated and presented to the nation on December 13th to swallow whole with a large pinch of salt.

Ah, Carrie’s slammed the door and Isaac’s shouting something about a new poll suggesting I’m as popular as a dingo in a kiddies’ nursery – which I guess is Antipodean patois, meaning it’s time for another genuine question.

This comes from a Mr Sydney Harbour-Bridge. What-ho, Sydney, are you any relation to Fleabag Waller-Bridge or is it Garden-Bridge, I can never remember?

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Next issue on sale: 10th December 2019
Private Eye Issue 1509
In This Issue
Capital brought to standstill by toxic atmosphere... How accurate is The Crown?… That all-purpose candidate’s social media apology… Tories reach new low – shamed by Piers Morgan… Mothercare to close despite best efforts of PM… What to do in a disaster: A guide from our wealth and safety expert Jacob Rees-Mogg... Who is the “You” in “You’re So Vain”, as told to Craig Brown

Boos for Boris
How the NHS photo-op at Addenbrookes backfired

Notes from Nicosia
Former fugitive Asil Nadir’s trade scheme

Bassetlaw Hounding
Labour at war over candidates

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10th December 2019
Private Eye Issue 1508