"You're a very self-defecating... deprecating is the word I just said, a self- deprecating man"
MATT RENDELL, ITV4

"Is it possible to edit out Gregg Wallace's bits?"
NAGA MUNCHETTY, Radio 5 Live

"All eight legs, 16 feet moving in the same direction at the same time"
NATASHA HUNT, Sky Sports

"Hulkenberg pulls out and finds a damp patch"
DAVID CROFT, Sky Sports F1

"The goalkeeper suffered from cramp... which is not a physical thing"
HELEN WARD, Radio 5 Live

Please email your entries to balls@private-eye.co.uk. £10 paid for submissions printed in the magazine.