Prime Minister's Whatsapp Group Chat
Members Only, Strictly Confidential, Issue 1577
PM's WhatsApp Group
Hello everyone! Thanks for going on telly and sticking up for me and sorry if my people gave you a bit of a bum steer (poor choice of words, given seriousness of Mr BumPincher’s bum-pinching LOL!) and left you with egg on face.
Guto Harri
Don’t blame me! That’s what you told me to tell them to say.
Did I? I have no recollection of that.
Jacob Rees-Mogg
You do have an enormous amount on your plate, PM, and it’s no wonder you forget everything anyone ever says to you, particularly if it’s an official complaint about a good friend and supporter and only occasional sex-pest.
Friend? Not sure I’ve ever met him.
Guto Harri
I think you might have.
Oopsie! Me and Mr Bum-Pincher. Ouch!
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Anyway, top homosexual assault banter with the aforesaid amusingly named gentleman.
Thanks, Creepie! The main thing is, I think I got away with it.
Guto Harri
And it did take the headlines away from the blowjob.
Mm, I do remember some things. Top job application from Carrie, there. Worth £100k of the taxpayers’ money, not that she ever got it.
Carrie Johnson
You promised you’d shut the story down and now it’s trending on Twitter.
I don’t remember that promise.
Jacob Rees-Mogg
The Prime Minister does have an awful lot on his plate, Mrs Johnson, so it’s entirely reasonable that he should have totally forgotten any pledge he may have made to you, regarding the news management of this rather tawdry tale of oral gratification.
Carrie Johnson
I’m not swallowing that.
I think that’s rather poor taste, actually Carrie.
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Very funny fellationic joke, sire.
The important thing is that we’re moving forward, leaving these trivial issues behind us and concentrating on getting the job done that we were elected to do. Starting with 40 new hospitals, fully staffed with 100,000 policemen. Isn’t that right, the Saj?
Sajid Javid
I resign.
Sajid Javid has left the group.
Cripes, why’s he done that? Who’d have thought it? He’s only resigned from my Cabinet once before.
Guto Harri
He’s written you a letter, Prime Minister, saying you’re a liar who has no integrity.
And his point is?
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Mr Javid is eminently replaceable. Health Secretaries come and go.
Matt Hancock certainly did!
Jacob Rees-Mogg
Very droll, stationery-cupboardadultery-related quippery of the highest order.
The key thing is, I’m getting on with the important job of delivering on the Cost of Living crisis, which is why Rishi and I are going to make a joint speech on the economy.
Rishi Sunak
I resign.
Rishi Sunak has left the group
Double cripes!
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Next issue on sale: 24th August 2022
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Private Eye Issue 1577
In This Issue
Assassinated Borius Caesar to continue as caretaker dictator despite being dead… Shock as not-very-good Tory MP decides NOT to stand in leadership race… Government's irony-ometer explodes as PM is sunk by sex scandal that didn't involve himself… ‘What the f*** have you done you stupid c***s,' asks Daily Mail as traitors oust PM and nation asks: ‘Will Paul Dacre still get his peerage?'… Brits triumph at Wimbledon as Kate Middleton gives out prizes, retiring Sue Barker gets standing ovation and Prince George doesn't have a tantrum… Royal Mail launches limited-edition stamps to commemorate summer's strikes… Nurseryland spin doctors rehabilitate hated Camilla de Vil as national treasure Duchess of Corgi… BBC2, My Life as a Rolling Stone, as told to Craig Brown

Covid catch-up
The pandemic's long haul

Slapp-ed down
Judge lets rip at Tory donor's lawyers

Hackwatch Whodunnit?
Everyone's to blame – except Boris!

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24th August 2022
Private Eye Issue 1576