People's Prime Minister's Question Time
Live on Fakebook, Issue 1518
PM's Questions
Hi there, Facebookers... or should I say don’t-touch-your-Facebookers?!

Because this week it’s Serious Statesman Bozza, not Funster Bojo. And the message is Keep Calm and Corona On! Too flippant, Dom? Yes, you’re probably right, what with all the wrinklies popping their clogs... so, solemn face and first question from Ivor Drycough.

What is the latest government thinking on the coronavirus crisis?

Well, the main message to the nation is Churchillian. Can we beat this virus? Oh yussss! What’s that Dom, the other Churchill? Yes, of course. World War Two, Spirit of the Blitz, etc etc. So our position is clear – life goes on, except where it doesn’t. There is no need to cancel anything, unless there is. We will be taking the right action at the right time. Whatever that is. And not before. And not after. And by the right action, I mean not the wrong action, which would be a mistake. I hope that puts everyone’s minds at ease. Next question from Mr Ronnie Nose.

Why aren’t you doing what all the other countries are doing?

Thanks, Mr Nose, but I can reassure you that I am acting on the advice of experts – not the sort of experts that we Tories said we’d had enough of, but good, proper experts with degrees and everything. You’ve probably seen me with a couple of these chaps and they are top-notch, Grade A experts with suits and glasses and graphs to boot! They’ve assured me that they can guarantee immunity – for me obviously because it’s not my fault... I’m just doing what these so-called experts tell me. And one thing they’ve told me is the importance of “social distancing”, ie I keep very close to them, at no distance at all, in the hope that I will be infected with some credibility. So, Ronnie, I hope that reassures you.

No, it doesn’t.

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Private Eye Issue 1517