Prime Minister's Question Time
Live on Fakebook, Issue 1503
PM's Questions
Greetings, facebookers!

This is the first of the People’s PMQs, though it should strictly be PMQTs, but Dominic thought “Prime Minister’s cuties” might draw unnecessary attention to things that don’t really matter, such as the women in my life. Not that women don’t matter. Lord no. We’ve got Priti Patel in the Cabinet, to prove they do. Sort of. Particularly if they tick a particular – oh hang on, Dominic’s waving rather frantically now. Shall we go for another take, Dom? Oh no, it’s live! I forgot. Time for the first question, unfiltered, unmediated, unchlorinated, because I’m no chicken! Anything you want to ask, ask away, providing it’s one of these questions that we drew up this morning from Dom’s big data bank. So, who’s first up on this contraption here?

(Squints at iPad) It’s from Mr Plant, who asks:

“Are we really going to leave the EU on the 31st of October?”

Wow, tough one to start, Mr Plant, you’ve really caught me on the hop there. Wasn’t expecting that one at all. So, the answer is an emphatic “Yes, I agree with you!” I think the British people have had enough of shilly-shallying, dilly-dallying and willy-wallying! I said we’re going to go and no one’s going to stop us, not even that arch-Remoaner and pessimist-in-chief Mr Hammond, who’s simply resigned in a huff and is sitting on the backbenches making unhelpful noises and trying to undermine the Prime Minister. Shoddy behaviour and not the sort of thing I would ever have done! (Sound of laughter from off)

In fact, I’d go so far as to call him a collaborator, a sort of traitor, not so much Lord Haw-Haw as Lord Eeyore! What’s that, Dom? No jokes. Sorry. So, joking apart, Hammond should go the way of Haw-Haw and be strung up for treason, working for the enemy, in the great war against the EU. Not that this is a war against our good friends in Europe, with whom I’m hoping to secure a deal, unless I can’t, in which case, so be it, que sera sera, in the words of that fine British singer Doris D-Day, er, er… so, thank you, Mr Plant, good question. Who’ve we got next?

(Squints at iPad) Ah, Miss Stooge! Another impromptu question…

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Next issue on sale: 17th September 2019
Private Eye Issue 1503
In This Issue
Millions of Homes Plunged into Darkness About What Happens Next in UK Politics… Operation Browntrouser – The Sunday Gnomes Reveals Secret Government No-Deal Brexit Warning… Tributes Pour in From Absolutely No One Following the Death of Wealthy Socialite Jeffrey Epstein… Dick Braine Beats Off Hugh Janus and Wayne Kerr to Become New Ukip Leader... Britons Would Rather Die Face Down in a Ditch Than Trade with EU, Finds Daily Telegraph Poll … Labour Accuse Tories of ‘Playing Politics’ With Raft of Vote-Winning Ideas… The Predictors: Where Will We Be by the End of the Year? as told to Craig Brown

Mental health
MD on a no-deal Brexit

Dam stats
Canal & River Trust uplugged

Power cuts
Keeping the Lights On Special

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17th September 2019
Private Eye Issue 1502