Prime Minister's Whatsapp Group Chat
Members Only, Strictly Confidential, Issue 1572
PM's WhatsApp Group
Whatsappy Days are here again! See what I did there? With one bounder, I’m free!
Guto Harri
Well, not entirely, Prime Minister. The apology didn’t go down that well with the backbenchers.
Ah, Dirty Harri! I’m always feeling lucky, punk! Like Clint, you see? I think my apology was even better than the last one. Look at this. I’m a picture of con-trition...
Serious face, sincerity oozing out of every orifice, I’ve done nothing wrong, and if I have, I’ve no idea I was doing it – the complete repertoire of Bozza’s bamboozling box of tricks that’s seen me through numerous newspaper proprietors, countless Tory leaders, and a couple of furious wives.
Carrie
Make that three, you lying toad. You promised me I wouldn’t get a fine for the birthday party, which wasn’t a party.
Rishi
Yes, I wasn’t expecting a fine either.
Boo-hoo, poor Rishi.Don’t know where you’re going to find 50 quid. Perhaps you could ask your wife. And pay my fine while you’re at it. Lord Brownenvelope isn’t answering my calls for some reason. And since sanctioning Johnny Oligarch we seem to be a bit short of Tory donors.
Nadine Dorries
Could we make some money by selling off the police? They’re clearly anti-Tory. Have they fined the Labour Party? Not one penny!
Boffo bonkers idea, Mad Nad! Keep them coming. That one’s up there with Rwanda.
Dominic Raab
I’m confused, Prime Minister.
Of course you are, you’re Dominic Raab!
Dominic Raab
I don’t understand. Is Rwanda a dead cat to distract attention from Partygate or is Partygate an even deader cat to distract from Rwandagate?
Keep up, Dim Dom! Now we’re attacking the Archbishop of Canterbury to distract from Rwandagate and Partygate.
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Private Eye Issue 1572
In This Issue
Ukraine delight at ‘fresh influx of weapons’ as fleeing Russian soldiers leave tanks and missiles behind… Grant Shapps and Robert Jenrick rescued by Ukrainians’ Homes for Conservatives scheme… Tennis world stunned as Wimbledon’s Pimms-sipping fuddy-duddies take strong moral stand on genocide… Triumph for dazzling Kate in powder blue coat as Harry and Meghan continue deluded international ego trip to open Invictus Games – Daily Mail exclusive… ‘I will build nuclear power station every year,’ claims man who cannot build one normal bridge… Harry hits out at ‘pale, male and stale’ white horses supporting Queen on her 96th birthday… ‘I don’t know who God thinks He is,” says top Tory theologian Jacob Rees-Mogg in Easter message… Chris Tarrant: 50 Years an Entertainer, as told to Craig Brown

Stage fight
More drama at the Actors’ Benevolent Fund

It’s an epidemic
PPE fraud during the pandemic

Pipeline dreams
Why Russian gas still flows west

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Private Eye Issue 1571
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