Prime Minister's Spokesperson: You said that last week.

Boris: Now is the time for us to pull together as a nation.

Prime Minister's Spokesperson: You said that the week before.

Boris: This is the most serious face I have ever had to put on, Allegra.

Prime Minister's Spokesperson: Shouldn't I be doing this? I'd be much better than you. What's the point of hiring me if you're going to do all the talking?

Boris: I think, in these desperate times, people want to be reassured by the person in charge.

Prime Minister's Spokesperson: Well then, get Whitty on.

Boris: I said “reassured”, not frightened to the death by the Grim Gloomster. Honestly, with that list of record deaths, he's scaring me whittyless! See what I did there?

Prime Minister's Spokesperson: That's why you should let me do it.

Boris: No way! If I'm not doing the talking, I'll be walking the dog, changing the nappy and listening to the mother-in-law telling me what to do. OK, she's not technically the mother-in-law, as I've not got round to doing the decent thing, as I'm very busy making speeches like this one. Honestly, now there's her, Carrie, you Allegra... no wonder a chap has to escape from the Female Chorus of Disapproval and get on his bike and ride for a bit of peace and quiet, miles away, somewhere full of happy memories, like the Olympic Park, when I was popular back in 2012 and the crowds cheered as I hung on that zipwire…