Prime Minister's Questions
Live on Fakebook, Issue 1539
fb fb-boris fb like PM's Questions People of Britain, I speak to you now at a critical moment in our country's history.

Prime Minister's Spokesperson: You said that last week.

Boris: Now is the time for us to pull together as a nation.

Prime Minister's Spokesperson: You said that the week before.

Boris: This is the most serious face I have ever had to put on, Allegra.

Prime Minister's Spokesperson: Shouldn't I be doing this? I'd be much better than you. What's the point of hiring me if you're going to do all the talking?

Boris: I think, in these desperate times, people want to be reassured by the person in charge.

Prime Minister's Spokesperson: Well then, get Whitty on.

Boris: I said “reassured”, not frightened to the death by the Grim Gloomster. Honestly, with that list of record deaths, he's scaring me whittyless! See what I did there?

Prime Minister's Spokesperson: That's why you should let me do it.

Boris: No way! If I'm not doing the talking, I'll be walking the dog, changing the nappy and listening to the mother-in-law telling me what to do. OK, she's not technically the mother-in-law, as I've not got round to doing the decent thing, as I'm very busy making speeches like this one. Honestly, now there's her, Carrie, you Allegra... no wonder a chap has to escape from the Female Chorus of Disapproval and get on his bike and ride for a bit of peace and quiet, miles away, somewhere full of happy memories, like the Olympic Park, when I was popular back in 2012 and the crowds cheered as I hung on that zipwire…

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Next issue on sale: 3rd March 2021
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Private Eye Issue 1539
In This Issue
Nation in shock as vaccine roll-out goes quite well… UK government shuts stable door at border 10 months after horse has bolted… Mr Bumble 'defends workhouse food rations'… Afghanistan offers peace-keeping troops to Washington to save failed state… Opening soon near Vegas – The Trump Presidential Library, Casino & Strip Club… Only real Daleks can play Daleks, insists Doctor Who creator… The Rt Hon Michael Gove, as told to Craig Brown

EU jabs
Now Brussels feels the needle

Bloody cheek
The tainted blood cover-up continues

RIP-off
Slicker's tribute to the late Sir David Barclay

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Private Eye Issue 1538
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