Prime Minister's Question Time
Live on Fakebook, Issue 1508
PM's Questions
Time for another question, because according to my timetable we need to get a move on. Oh hang on, I’ve just been told my timetable’s been abandoned. So, take your time, and this question is from Mrs Theresa May – oh, Dominic, these names are just not believable! What’s your question, Mrs Maydup? 

In what way is your deal better than the previous one agreed with the EU a very long time ago, which only failed to pass through the Commons because of the sabotage by yourself and your colleagues?

Bit of a long one, Theresa! Well, it’s pretty hard to say, particularly if you haven’t read either of them very closely or indeed at all. But my chaps tell me – whoops, and chappesses (let’s not forget the ladies, beavering away doing the typing, making tea, walking the rescue dog, talking to my father, all that) – they tell me that my deal is completely different from Mrs May’s deal and is barely 95% the same.

So, it’s 5% better at least – or possibly worse. Either way, as I told the Commons, it’s May deal or No deal – I mean, My deal or Mrs May’s deal. Or… sorry… sense of mayja vu!

The point is that I realised what my poor old blinkered predecessor failed to appreciate, viz, in the end no one gives a toss about the bowler-hat brigade marching about in their orange sashes shouting “NOOOO!” to everything that comes their way, so you may as well ditch them in the Irish sea. That way victory lies.

Yes, and defeat 15 minutes later, but it’s a start, we’re on a roll, the tide has turned, the dawn has broken, the ship has sailed, the pig is flying, the turkey has landed, er give us a hand, Dom, I’m running out of oratory here, pass us that little book that we keep in the khazi “Churchill for Dummies, Vol 2”.  It’s not the beginning of the end, it’s not even the end of the beginning, but the beginning of the beguine, as the great Julio Iglesias once crooned.

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Next issue on sale: 10th December 2019
Private Eye Issue 1508
In This Issue
Chief ISIS recruiter still at large... Spartans Resist a Bit Then Compromise… Announcement from Captain: Let’s get the iceberg done… Latest News: Nobody at all certain what they want… The Real Curse of Strictly… Cinderella: "My Life is not a Fairy Tale”… Susanna Reid’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

Lodge Complaints
Concerns over care home inspections

Uganda Watch
The worsening situation for LGBT people

Bell Ends
Nooks and Corners on Whitechapel Bell Foundry

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10th December 2019
Private Eye Issue 1507