"They are trying to stick a needle into a haystack"
LORD (ALEX) CARLISLE, Radio 4

"Out of the corner of her eye, she could hear the footsteps"
COURTNEY WINFIELD-HILL, Sky Sports

"Conference season galloping away at a canter!"
LEWIS GOODALL, LBC

"If that was a game of chess, it would be game, set and match to Arsenal"
MARTIN KEOWN, TNT Sports

"The boot's on the other side of the coin"
PETER DRURY, Sky Sports

Please email your entries to balls@private-eye.co.uk. £10 paid for submissions printed in the magazine.