Prime Minister's Question Time
Live on Fakebook, Issue 1504
PM's Questions
Greetings facebook folk!

And welcome back for another chance to put me under the spotlight, stretch me out on the rack and handcuff me to the bedposts, whilst getting the feather duster and… oh yes, apologies Dominic, went a bit off massage – sorry message.

What you can’t see, folks, is this chap Cummings off-screen who looks a bit like the Mekon from Dan Dare only with a bigger forehead, scarier eyes and considerably less empathy for the human race. He’s hovering nearby ready to zap me every time I put a size 10 in the brown stuff. Now he’s waving at me frantically to get on with it. Okay Mr C, you’re the boss. Only kidding. I can say categorically that the boss is yours truly, if that’s all right with the Donald. Anyway, it’s question time and I know you’re all gagging to surprise me with some utterly unexpected zingers so fire away…

(Squints at iPad) This is from a Patsy: 

“Boris, this has been an incredible week in the history of our great democratic nation, what we all want to know is what do you think of pork pies?”

Oh cripes, Patsy – just my luck. The tough ones first. Well I must admit I am rather partial to the odd pie of the processed porcine variety, encased in suspiciously brown jelly, with a good old British crust. Exactly what’s in it is of limited interest, and it’s best not to go into too much detail, a bit like Brexit – oh come on Dom, you know it’s true. What’s that? Stick to the porkie pies? Okey doke. Suffice to say the whole piggy and pastry package is delicious and all our research shows us that everybody in the world loves good old British pork pies. If only there weren’t EU barriers stopping us selling them to Jews and Muslims. Of course we sell over £350 million of pork pies per week to Thailand and Iceland alone. And we’ll sell ten times that to Greenland as soon as my friend the Trumpster has bought it. Or so he has assured me. Great fizzing start. Next question...

To read more from Prime Minister's Questions in full, buy the latest edition of Private Eye - you can subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale: 15th October 2019
Private Eye Issue 1504
In This Issue
African Union in Crisis Talks Over Fears for UK Democracy… God Warned Not to Intervene in Brexit Debate… What Happens Next? Dominic Cummings’ Masterplan to Sack All MPs… Ruth Davidson Quits Over Baby PM Who Throws Toys Out of Pram… Establishment Photo of Prince Andrew on Balcony ‘Clearly a Fake’… Shortage of Civilians to Slaughter Leaves Yemen on the Brink…

End-of-summer madness!

P is for Paxman
Craig Brown’s Diary

Who knew what?
HS2 covers its tracks

Read these stories and much more - only in the magazine. Subscribe here to get delivery direct to your home and never miss an issue!
ONLY £2.00
15th October 2019
Private Eye Issue 1503