PM's statement
Issue 1502

Cripes! The ball’s finally popped out of the scrum and yours truly has picked it up. As jolly old Julius once put it when he took over Britain: “Veni, vidi, vici”. And for those of you who don’t have the benefit of a classical education, that’s Latin for “I came, I saw, I conquered”, or, in the case of the ladies: “I saw, I conquered…” Whoops! Sorry, Bojo out of order – Mr Cummings has made it quite clear that there’s to be no more smut and no more jokes!

From now on it’s a serious new me: statesmanlike, prime ministerial, Churchillian – and not the amusing dog on the insurance advert. No, it’s goodbye Boris Johnson, hello Boring Johnson!

So, with that in mind, the Bozmeister would like to say what an incredible privilege it is to serve as blah blah blah great nation yackety yackety yack and heartfelt appreciation of my distinguished predecessor ha ha ha ha ha. Whoops, sorry Mr Cummings, no jokes even though she was one. No, I get it. Stick to the message! And the message is optimism. I’m unapologetically optimistic. My glass is not half empty, it’s half full – because I spilt the rest of it over Carrie’s sofa!

Whoops! Sorry, Mr Cummings. I know we’re keeping schtumm about the First Floozy just in case the True Blue Rinse Brigade disapprove of my extra-marital malarkey.

But I will tell you it’s all going to be blue skies over the white cliffs… no, don’t mention cliffs… Blue skies over the sunlit uplands where turbo-charged unicorns fly over the rainbow of hope, past the first star on the far right and into Never Never Land where milk and honey flows like a mighty river of dreams bursting its banks and flooding the whole country with wealth, health, and happiness!?!

Cripes!

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Next issue on sale: 17th September 2019
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Private Eye Issue 1502
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Jeremy Corbyn Writes: A New Fourth in British Politics… The Classic Comedy Leaves & Booster… Shameful Lacl of Equality in E-Sports… Huge metaphor breaks out on cruise ship… ‘Yes it’s Phoney War!’ says new Prime Minister… That Rees-Mogg memo in full… Allison Pearson’s diary, as told to Craig Brown

Left out
Best-reviewed novel fails to make the Booker longlist

West Bank Watch
UN’s response to the shooting of a child

On our way-o
Uber splurges on Cricket World Cup then cuts staff

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