St Theresa

The Headmistress Writes
Issue 1474
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VALE Mr Davis

I was very sad that Mr Davis has decided to resign from the Senior Common Room at this critical point in our great school’s history.

Mr Davis sent me a long letter very late on Sunday night and I followed his example by not bothering to read it. Suffice to say, that having agreed on Friday to back me 100 percent, Mr Davis then decided that he had to resign on a matter of principle – the principle being that he can’t see anything through and can’t stick to a position for longer than a “relaxing” weekend with a bottle or two of something chilled!!

Unkind members of staff, on hearing that Mr Davis would no longer be doing his job, asked “How will we be able to tell?” This, though very funny, is very unfair to Mr Raab, who will replace Mr Davis immediately and will, I am sure, prove a better negotiator. That shouldn’t prove too difficult, as Mr Davis could not even negotiate a deal with me, let alone the European Education Union. He couldn’t get the 29 members of senior staff on his side, let alone the 29 heads from the EEU!!

So, may I say thank you to Mr Davis for everything he did, ie nothing, and may I wish him the very best of luck in his future non-career, as he stares into space, sitting on a park bench near the playing fields, feeding the birds and muttering to himself about betrayal, as he finishes off a can of Special Brew. No hard feelings, David. TM  

VALE Mr Johnson

I was even sadder that Mr Johnson decided to resign – before I could sack him. Mr Johnson had rather let himself down at the bonding weekend, by lowering the tone and calling my new plan for exiting the European Education Union “a turd”.

Well, it takes one to know one, Boris! No offence. And, to be honest, Boris will always be a Number Two (ie, not a Number One, a leader, or head teacher, because Boris is not a person to be trusted in any way to run any organisation, ever)! Good luck to Boris as he seeks a new outlet for his talents – possibly cleaning toilets.


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Private Eye Issue 1474

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21st August 2018
In This Issue
    Football Fans ‘Proud to Be Hooligans Again’… Heatwave ‘Linked to Rare Weather Phenomenon Known as Summer’… People Who Never Had to do National Service Call for Return of National Service… Brexit Will Bring Huge Boost to Britain’s Candle Industry – Daily Express Exclusive… Vote Leave Disputes Electoral Commission Ruling and Calls for Re-run… Germaine Greer’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown
And also...
Exaro lives again
Website’s dodgy archive of batty claims arises like Lazarus
Shorting story
BlackRock bets against the Mail empire (and, er, one G. Osborne)
World Cup fever
Putin’s chums fund Russia’s great propaganda coup
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Private Eye Issue 1473