COLUMNISTS
Issue 1522
agri brigade
With Bio-Waste Spreader: "The financial impact of Covid-19 on dairy farms has been considerable, but the government has struggled to devise a financial aid package because only some farms have been affected. Does this variable picture show that Tory milk market reforms of 30 years ago are driving well-run, efficient family dairy farms out of business?... The Conservative government of the time broke up the Milk Marketing Board and obliged farmers to sign supply contracts with private dairies instead…”
signal failures
With Dr B Ching: "As anxious commuters struggled to keep away from each other on trains and buses, stress levels were also shooting up among those running the transport system: despite the prime minister’s sudden announcement of the return to work in England, his government continues to be woefully slow and disorganised in providing emergency funding for transport to large city regions…”
eye tv
With Remote Controller: "A moment in the latest episode of an ITV peak-time series captured the peculiarity of the way we watch now. Two men are chatting as they amble through a field, a classic walk-and-talk interview set-up in factual TV. But as their conversation ends, there’s an ugly sudden cutaway, lacking the usual elegance of recorded shows. Freeze the moment and replay it slowly, and you see that the editorial worry was not, as might once have been the case, a controversial political badge or exposed genital accidentally left in shot, but because the men conclude their conversation with a handshake. Current programming divides between shows made Before and After Covid…
[reviews of How to Keep Your Dog Happy at Home (ITV), Primates (BBC1), Paul Hollywood Eats Japan (C4) and Gemma Collins: Diva on Lockdown (ITVBe)]”
keeping the lights on
With Old Sparky: "Lockdown has greatly reduced overall power consumption and has stressed the electricity system in novel ways. While suppliers are under financial strain as industrial customers are buying much less, many residential customers, who are using more electricity, are expected to fall behind with their bills. The national grid, meanwhile, must cope with a new pattern of electricity production that gives a foretaste of the ‘green’ scenario many believe should be the long-term future…”
music and musicians
With Lunchtime O’Boulez: "With every other UK music fixture cancelled through autumn and beyond, only two major events were left holding out. One of those, the Three Choirs Festival, sadly bowed out last week, killing its 2020 season. That only leaves the Proms. With its launch cancelled last month, and the printed Guide, due on sale last week, failing to materialise, the only official statement from the BBC was that it still hoped its flagship concert series would happen, albeit ‘adapting and changing’. But this will be problematic…”
in the city
With Slicker: "Even before the VE Day anniversary, the coronavirus crisis had produced a plethora of wartime language, WW2 analogies and Churchillian references. ‘We are all in this together’ was the mantra; sacrifices needed for the common good. This retro mood has also encouraged comments about a 1945-style, post-Covid brave new world, an opportunity/need to change what was wrong before. The 6m-plus who have already lost their jobs or may do once the job retention scheme ends, small businesses owners who may never reopen, investors in failing companies and shareholders who have seen £24bn in dividends disappear will certainly hope their sacrifices will not see a return to business as usual…”
eye world
Letter from Lausanne
From Our Own Correspondent:
"Switzerland’s top prosecutor, attorney-general Michael Lauber, is in trouble after another failure under his watch of a legal probe involving world football’s accident-prone governing body, Fifa. Hearings finally began in March alleging that German football legend Franz ‘the Kaiser’ Beckenbauer had paid €6.7m, via a Fifa account, to Mohamed Bin Hammam, a Qatari national and former Fifa official now banned for life from the sport. Investigators sought to establish whether the payment helped to buy Germany the right to host the 2006 World Cup Finals…”
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Next issue on sale: 2nd June 2020
gnitty
ALSO IN THIS ISSUE
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Private Eye Issue 1522
In This Issue
Stay Awake, Control Your Hair, Take the Dog for a Walk: The PM’s TV address in full… Jubilation as Britain wins Eurovirus Contest… Nationwide shortage of tiny violins as Rich List reveals UK billionaires ‘lost some money’… ‘Clap responsibly’ urge hand experts on NHS Thursdays… Crucial supplies of patience, humour and conversation run out as UK enters lockdown Week 94… Simon Heffer: What to read in lockdown, as told to Craig Brown

Brief lies
The papers and the PM at odds

World of Sport
A Fifa farce in Lausanne

Pandemic latest
Risk in the time of Corona

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Private Eye Issue 1521