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new coalition academy
A Message From The Headmaster
Issue 1380
dave.jpg Don’t panic everyone, I’m still here, I’m still in charge!  Mr Farage is not sitting at this desk – much as he’d like you to think he is – no, he’s still outside running the fruitcake stall or, more likely, leaving the stall for his new “friend” Mr Reckless to run as he nips off behind the bike sheds for a quick smoke.  

And a word of warning to you, Nigel. Mr Reckless may not be as loyal a friend as he claims to be! To be honest, I never really trusted Mr Reckless. There was something about him. I never really knew what it was and couldn’t put my finger on it. Maybe it was his name. Mark. Yes, that must have been it. Anyway, it turns out I was a hundred percent right. Headmasters have to be good judges of human nature, which is why I’m delighted that he is no longer in the staff room and I can rely on Mr Treacherous, Mr Jumpship and Mr Turncoat, none of whose names, thank goodness, is Mark!

I was hoping that my preferred candidate for the teaching post, the very talented Ms Tolly Kelhurst (subs, please check) was going to replace Mr Reckless, but somehow he managed to get the support of large numbers of parents who insisted he stay in his job.

After listening to Mr Reckless shouting through a megaphone from the fruitcake stall about how he’d send everyone back home, I thought we should send him back home (thanks, Finkelstein, D!) but, as increasingly seems to be happening nowadays, I was in the minority. Still, it’s no big deal. I’m not worried. I’m focused on the much more important job of running the school, which incidentally is now closed on Thursdays as well as Fridays and of course the weekends and some of the other week days. A lot to timetable, I’m sure you’d agree!

D.C.

To read more letters from the Headmaster (and of course, the Deputy Head), please buy the latest edition of Private Eye - or subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale:
9th December 2014.
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Private Eye Issue 1380
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For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.
Next issue on sale: 9th December 2014.

Private Eye Issue 1379
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