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Columnists
Issue 1392
agri brigade
With Bio-Waste Spreader: "For a decade Scotland has suffered the phenomenon of ‘slipper farming’ whereby some farmers, particularly on poor hill land, have pocketed large EU subsidies but produced little or no food. Now, as the Scottish government implements the latest round of common agricultural policy (CAP) reforms, a more disturbing kind of slipper farming threatens to emerge: agricultural landlords who evict tenants to claim a new EU subsidy…”
medicine balls
With M.D.: "Whatever the election result, and whatever promises were made, we are all still going to die. Three million UK citizens die during a five-year parliament, and millions more are bereaved. Better palliative care is one area where the NHS and social care system could make huge improvements in compassionate care and considerable financial savings…”
eye tv
With Remote Controller: "In A month when the Bafta drama categories were again showing TV’s reliance on rotating fictional formulas – police procedurals, biographical dramas – might the big summer drama launches show a greater range and ambition? Er, no. They’re a spy drama, a wartime period piece and a cop show…
[Reviews of The Game (BBC2), Home Fires (ITV) and No Offence (C4)]”
nooks and corners
With Piloti: "As predicted, feeble Westminster city council has granted planning permission for King’s College London to demolish Nos 154-158 Strand, a row of modest but attractive buildings that stand between Somerset House and the college’s own brutalist monster of the 1960s. The buildings are not listed but stand in a conservation area and form a crucial role in framing the monumental magnificence of Somerset House. However, all is not yet lost as SAVE Britain’s Heritage has launched an online petition against the plan, addressed to Edward Byrne, the college principal, and Jamie Ritblat, chair of its estates strategy committee…”
music and musicians
With Lunchtime O’Boulez: "As there are (notoriously) no votes in the arts, few politicians made an effort to woo the music world in their election campaigns. Indeed, the Green Party did quite the opposite when it announced (apparently by mistake) that it wanted to reduce the duration of copyright in creative works to a mere 14 years. Composers, authors and their like went on the warpath, as did the Musicians’ Union. David Cameron at least got points for bravery, if nothing else, by doing an interview for Classic FM and admitting that he ‘wasn’t particularly musical’ – sharing with listeners the fact that his best claim to performing talent was drumming his way through ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree’, and that the first disc he remembers buying was by the Glitter Band…”
books and bookmen
With Bookworm: "If Wole Soyinka wins the election to be Oxford’s Professor of Poetry, it will be something of a travesty. While Africa’s first Nobel literature laureate is undoubtedly a great man, a handover from an 83-year-old incumbent (as Geoffrey Hill will be in June when the next prof is named) to an 80-year-old successor beginning a five-year term would verge on the ridiculous…”
in the city
With Slicker: "Barclays and Royal Bank of Scotland are expected to get another financial kicking this week from the Financial Cock-Up Authority and US regulators for their foreign exchange benchmark rate fixing. Meanwhile, the same FCA, like its predecessor the Fundamentally Supine Authority, has continued to repeat the fiction – supported by the Bank of England – that it has received no complaints about high street banks overcharging retail clients for FX transactions, especially on incoming payments…”
Letter from Lusaka
From Our Own Correspondent: "
The rule of law here in Zambia is being manipulated to let a former president facing corruption charges off the hook. The official who finds himself in the line of fire, however, is our director of public prosecutions (DPP) Mutembo Nchito…”
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Next issue on sale:
26th May 2015.
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Private Eye Issue 1392
private eye Only In The Magazine

The Eye Declares: Vote Now Before It’s Too Late!... Michael Gove Launches New ‘Free Prisons Scheme’… Jubilant Nation Celebrates VE (Victory over Ed) Day… It’s All Over for Dum But What About Dee? Nursery Times Exclusive… Public Vote to Kill Monkey and Elect Organ-Grinder… Post-Election Gnomemart Fire Sale!... George Galloway to Sue Everyone Who Didn’t Vote for Him… Princess Charlotte – A Twitter Festschrift, as told to Craig Brown.

And also...

- Election 2015: Hello (and good riddance) to new (and old) Commons faces
- Spirit of Blair: Mr Tony’s ghost and Labour’s wannabe leaders
- Royal birth: Baby tips from Auntie Pippa, Sarah Vain and Sir Andrew Roberts-Radio
For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.
Next issue on sale: 26th May 2015.

Private Eye Issue 1391
gnitty