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Issue 1411
agri brigade
With Bio-Waste Spreader: “An investigation into Tesco by Christine Tacon, the groceries code adjudicator, for breaching the groceries supply code of practice has been widely praised and described by one newspaper as a ‘test of the GCA’s credibility’. Alas, whatever the result of the investigation, the GCA has little or no credibility and never will have unless it is given far more powers by government...”
medicine balls
With M.D.: “Sepsis is a hard enough diagnosis to make in ideal conditions; but UK general practice is now so threadbare and splintered that continuity of care has been lost and patients are seen and assessed in disparate ten-minute blocks without anyone having time to join up the evidence. The pressure on GPs not to prescribe antibiotics and not to refer patients to busy emergency departments doesn’t help, and research by the Commonwealth Fund recently found that UK GPs are the most stressed in the western world. Under such circumstances, difficult diagnoses are more likely to be missed…”
signal failures
With Dr B Ching: “Tory and Liberal Democrat MPs south of London say Southern is on its ‘final warning’ and in danger of losing its franchise. Yeah, right. Since rail franchises began 20 years ago, not one has been terminated early for giving passengers a rough ride. Some were stopped for financial reasons, but passengers aren’t important enough to halt a franchise…”
eye tv
With Remote Controller: “Though the car parts are presumably to entice C2 and DE males, there are signs of a ham-fisted effort to draw in a broader audience by making the subject of the show not merely love of cars but romance in general. O’Leary starts the show by introducing the ‘five sets of lovebirds’ and closes it with a reference to ‘couples putting their love on the line’, while married or romancing couples are encouraged to engage in embarrassing displays for the cameras, hugging and kissing and walking off arm-in-arm into the sunset after elimination. Last weekend’s winners claimed: ‘We’ve been through an amazing journey together, and tested our marriage in various ways,’ which was possibly a reference to off-screen rows along the lines of ‘Why the feck did I let you sign us up for this fecking show?’
[review of The Getaway Car (BBC1)]…”
keeping the lights on
With Old Sparky: “The European Commission’s quiet but relentless drive to create a ‘European energy union’ is a brazen power (sic) grab – in the same way it controls agriculture under the common agricultural policy – for the one big area of policy that’s still largely a national prerogative. Technically speaking energy union is still only on the commission’s wish-list, but it is determined ‘to bring the ideas of the Energy Union closer to the member states’ – ie, railroad them through – as was made clear in documents published before Christmas…”
nooks and corners
With Piloti: “So Oriel College, Oxford, has belatedly decided – after initial wobbles and compromises – to adhere to values of historical authenticity and not to give in to the puerile and intellectually dishonest demand by the ‘Rhodes Must Fall’ campaign to rewrite history, to whitewash the past. ‘Overwhelming support’ from members of the college and the public, plus opposition from the chancellor of the university to abolishing Rhodes’ statue clearly helped; but the decision was obviously in no way influenced by the cancellation of a donation to the college of £1.5m because of its vacillation and the threat that potential benefactors might similarly withdraw some £100m in gifts…”
music and musicians
With Lunchtime O’Boulez: “The music world’s great and good were welcomed to Birmingham for the Association of British Orchestra’s annual conference in late January with a party showcasing the city’s flagship band, the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra, and flagship concert venue Symphony Hall – perhaps the finest in the country. But all this couldn’t mask a dreadful irony: Birmingham city council is in the process of cutting arts funding so drastically that those who run the city’s cultural life fear there will be next to nothing left by 2020…”
in the city
With Slicker: “The Murdoch papers have been outraged at the Google tax deal. The Sunday Times has headlined a long list of those failing to pay their fair share of tax to HM Revenue & Customs, especially US multinationals – a list that could (but will not) include Murdoch’s own companies…”
Letter from Maputo
From Our Own Correspondent: “
‘A LUTA continua! The struggle continues!’ has long been Mozambique’s rallying cry for solidarity and freedom. It was coined 50 years ago under the fatherly leadership of our Marxist hero Samora Machel, as the Mozambican Liberation Front – ‘Frelimo’ – fought and freed the country from Portuguese colonial rule in 1975. A decade later, Samora met a classic end in a helicopter crash and we switched to capitalism. Now Frelimo’s battle cry is being used to voice popular dissent against members of the party elite who have enthusiastically embraced the new order. With Mozambique’s Metical now bearing the proud title of third worst performing currency in the world, the sight of the teenage upper crust driving their ill-gotten Ferraris along the capital’s potholed roads does grate somewhat…”
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Private Eye Issue 1411
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16th February 2016
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Private Eye’s All-Purpose Celebrity Death Cut-out-and-Weep Article… Cameron to Send Son to Elite Prep School Cakelet Court… Bill Gates Goes Offshore for Desert Island Discs… Me and My Spooning, with Tuppence Middleton… North to be Moved South… Guardian Masterclasses: Coping with Redundancy… Tim Peake’s Diary, as tweeted to Craig Brown

And also...

- Hacking Watch: Possible lawsuits over hacking at the Screws shudder back to life
- EU referendum: Sceptics declare all-out war… with each other!
PLUS: Spad Behaviour at the Department of Health; Danczuk’s banana skin; & more.

For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.

Private Eye Issue 1410