Issue 1487
agri brigade
With Bio-Waste Spreader: "Speaking to the Oxford Farming Conference last week, environment secretary Michael Gove recognised farming was a ‘long term business’ and said Theresa May’s Brexit deal therefore offered farmers what they needed: ‘certainty’ for the future. Is this true – or hogwash from one of the cabinet’s leading Brexiteers? Parliament has yet to vote on May’s withdrawal agreement; but even if it is approved, farmers will face vastly less economic ‘certainty’ compared to the trading conditions they have known for 45 years under the EU common agricultural policy (CAP)…”
medicine balls
With M.D.: "Whistleblower Dr Chris Day’s acrimonious four-year legal battle with Lewisham and Greenwich NHS Trust and Health Education England (HEE) appeared to be over in October when he dropped his claim against them for detriment to his career before cross-examining any witnesses, and agreed a settlement declaring that all parties had miraculously acted in good faith all along… However, Dr Day has now applied to the employment tribunal to set aside the agreement…”
signal failures
With Dr B Ching: "The official line that steep rail-fare rises each year enable investment in infrastructure and new trains always rings hollow for passengers who keep paying more to ride in the same old carriages – nowhere more so than on the Isle of Wight, where the trains date from the 1930s. The South Western Railway (SWR) franchise didn’t excuse islanders from the 2 January fares hike. For instance, the price of a ticket from Ryde St Johns Road to Sandown rose by 3.4 percent, although the island’s railway hasn’t been modernised for decades…”
eye tv
With Remote Controller: "As Simon Cowell talent show formats go, The Greatest Dancer (BBC1) has the very great advantage of not actually having Cowell in it as a judge. In every other respect, though, it sees Botox Man again going through the motions, and emotions. Sunday night’s premiere episode featured more weeping – from contestants, judges, and the studio audience – than does the average funeral…”
keeping the lights on
With Old Sparky: "What is it with the Welsh government and tidal electricity? As the Swansea Lagoon project sinks beneath the waves, details emerge of another subsidy-seeking seaside scheme, this time in Anglesey. It’s already spent £10m of public money for pitifully little return and is pitching for another big bung this year…”
music and musicians
With Lunchtime O’Boulez: "For a long while now Lancaster city council has been involved in a curious game of cat and mouse with Lancaster Music Co-op, a non-profit that has been providing affordable rehearsal and recording space for local musicians for more than 30 years. The nub is that the council wanted the Co-op out of its premises, which were earmarked for demolition and development; and an eviction notice was issued in October telling it to quit within six months. The Co-op fought back with a public petition, and big names in the music world pledged support…”
in the city
With Slicker: "Conspiracy and cover-up, or business as usual cock-up inside the Serious Farce Office? Those are the clashing narratives contained in correspondence and witness statements relating to the ongoing legal battle between the SFO and lawyers acting for mining group Eurasian Natural Resources Corporation (ENRC). The SFO’s investigation has lasted more than seven years but has yet to produce a prosecution…”
eye world
Letter from Dombarovsky
From Our Own Correspondent:
"Here at the Dombarovsky missile site in the Russian province of Orenburg, the festive celebrations were focused not so much on 25 December and the birth of Christ – a celebration the Orthodox among us save for January – but events the following the day, when President Vladimir Putin announced that the Avangard Strategic Missile System (ASMS), a hypersonic glide vehicle, will be fully operational from the beginning of 2019…”
To read all these columnists and more in full, get the latest edition of Private Eye - you can subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale: 19th February 2019
Private Eye Issue 1487
In This Issue
Cumberbatch Brexit Drama Divides Nation… Trump Shuts Down Brain Indefinitely… Loch Ness Monster ‘Throws Doubt on Gatwick Drone’… Labour Urges Voters to Reject Empty Tory Pledges on Brexit and Embrace Far Left Fantasies Instead… Desperate Britons Cross English Channel Seeking Better Life in France… Man Who Talks Nonsense Accuses PM of Talking Nonsense – Daily Borisgraph Exclusive… Melanie Phillips’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

Greed is god
Slicker’s Gnome Business Awards for 2018

Magic Circle
Allen & Overy cloud has a silver lining

Surveillance state
Dr Grim on Big Brother Xi

Read these stories and much more - only in the magazine. Subscribe here to get delivery direct to your home and never miss an issue!
ONLY £2.00
19th February 2019
Private Eye Issue 1486