St Theresa

The Headmistress Writes
Issue 1459
arlene-foster.jpg Good afternoon,

This has not been a good week.

I am furious about the way I’ve been treated by someone who I considered a junior partner in the management team running this school. Sadly, I gave her a little bit of responsibility and she repaid me with a thoughtless act of disloyalty. Fortunately I was able to step in and remedy the situation before it got out of hand.

But can this be a lesson to Mrs May, that “no means NOOOOOOO!” This is incidentally the new school motto replacing Mrs May’s rather out-of-date Latin maxim “Brexit significat Brexit”, as she no longer seems to know the meaning of any of these words.

That’s her now on the phone on my desk, formerly her desk, in my office, formerly her office. You would recognise the new ringtone, as it’s the school Fife and Drum band playing Chris de Burgh’s classic “Lady in Orange”.

Obviously I’m going to ignore the phone and pretend I’m out. Much as Mrs May has been doing since she became Headmistress. That is a Northern Irish joke, for those of you who say that we at St Billy’s are a humourless bunch of sour-faced, tub-thumping stick-in-the-muds. So laugh. Or face eternal damnation!

Ms Foster

 (acting Headmistress rather convincingly)

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23rd January 2018
In This Issue private eye
We do Christmas – Dung Beetle Learning Guide… NHS promise on Vote Leave bus to be fulfilled… Brexit deal opens door to Britain joining EU… The Daily Mail rejoices in royal wedding… Trump declares Moscow capital of the United States… Maduro slams Corbyn… The Christine Keeler I knew, by A. Chair… Social media threatens Nurseryland children… Meghan Markle’s diary, as told to Craig Brown

And also...

- Meghan Markleballs: Fleet Street’s search for royal scoops
- False profits: Is the C of E giving up the Christmas fight?
- Presumed innocent: Changing police guidance in child abuse cases

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Private Eye Issue 1458