St Theresa

The Headmistress Writes
Issue 1466
st theresa.jpg Good afternoon,

May I begin with a reminder that pupils are not permitted to bring certain substances into the school. These include alcohol, tobacco and nerve gas. In particular, the substance Novichok is forbidden in the car park, canteen and playground, not to mention everywhere else, where it’s also been detected.

Now whoever did this – and let’s be honest, I think we all know who’s to blame – was given a deadline to own up and come and see me in my study by midnight. The fact that they didn’t show up and instead posted a sarcastic note on the school notice board saying “YOU’VE GOT A NE?VE!” in cyrillic script confirmed my suspicions that the culprit was one of our exchange students from Mr Putin’s Moscow Institute of Biochemical Research.

Mr Putin is denying this, saying he has no idea how 0.00012 of a gram of enhanced weapons-grade Putonium managed to find its way from his chemistry department on to a car door handle in the St Theresa’s school car park. He’s asked us to send a sample, which I’d be very happy to do, but this might be rather dangerous, particularly if this package had to be left with a neighbour.

I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I’ve had to take extreme measures to send out a clear message to Mr Putin that this is unacceptable. So, I have expelled 23 exchange students (not including, of course, temporary supply teacher Old Mr Corbyn, whom we all know is a sleeper – as are most of the people who listen to him. Thanks for these jokes, Mr Williamson, we need a little levity in these dark times.). These students have been given a week to clear their desks and steal as much information from the school computers as possible.

The exchange students will no doubt be exchanged for many of our own students in Moscow, who have been innocently studying there and not snooping around at all, which is a pity, since they might have noticed what Mr Putin was up to with regard to the smuggling of Putonium in school pencil-cases.

Meanwhile, the CCF (Atkins, T) has been put on full alert, given an anthrax injection by Matron and told to look out for suspicious-looking men in fur hats, loitering around the Headmistress’s study, offering her money (subs: please check the word “apologies” is not substituted with the word “money”).

As a precaution, I am changing the school uniform from the usual cap and blazer to the smart suit pictured (right). This uniform is now compulsory for both boys and girls, with the strictest punishment for those not complying, ie death. The new uniforms are available from the school outfitters Porton and Down of Salisbury. One size fits all.

Good luck and may God be with us all.

Mrs T May

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3rd April 2018
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- Moscow mewls: London’s Russians and those who cash in on them
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Private Eye Issue 1465