headmasters message Fact Sheet
Issue 1416
Dear (fill in name from school records),

Because this week there has been very little news to interest anyone regarding the Headmaster, instead of the usual newsletter, I have decided now is the perfect time to issue a leaflet about the upcoming Big Debate on Europe on June 23rd.

As you know, I am proposing the motion: “This House believes that the Headmaster is entirely right and everyone else is wrong”…

If the vote goes against me, the following disasters will happen, according to independent and unbiased experts:

1. Everything will be more expensive in the School Shop, and not just the things the Bursar has already made more expensive, like fizzy drinks and tampons. (Subs: check with Mr Osborne if this is right. I haven’t seen him for days. D.C.)

2. Mobile phone calls and texts will cost more, including sexts (got that Mr Main Opponent?)

3. Flights to Lanzarote will become punitively expensive, restricting holiday-makers to just three trips a term.

4. The Sanatorium will be unable to fill staff vacancies created by Mr Hunt’s new seven-strikes-a-week service.

5. Most other jobs in the school will be lost and no one will have any money or hope.

6. The school will be terrible in every way. The rubbish won’t be collected, dead pupils won’t be buried, and giant rats will roam the school corridors feeding on rotting human flesh.

7. Millions of foreign pupils will rush to sign up for the school, to take advantage of the new appalling conditions. (Subs: please check logic. D.C.)

8. Easily the most disastrous disaster of all will be the enforced resignation of the current Headmaster on June 24th. It’s difficult to overstate, say experts, the catastrophic effect of someone like his main opponent taking over the school at this pivotal moment in our history…


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26th April 2016
In This Issue private eye

Me and My Silver Spoon, by David Cameron… Customers report ‘Satisfaction’ at Rolling Stones Exhibition… First Sieveload of Jumblies Sent Back – Nursery Times Exclusive… Anti-Corbynism is Rife in the Labour Party, writes Jeremy Corbyn… Sports Pages Become Totally Dependent on Drugs to Improve Performance… Petronella Wyatt’s A-Z of Amour, as told to Craig Brown

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- Panama Special: From the top taxman who loves havens, to ministers and public bodies who are offshore and off-message.
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PLUS: Milking the Lib Dems’ cash cow.

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Private Eye Issue 1415