headmasters message A Message From The Headmaster
Issue 1419
Pay attention, everyone,

It saddens me to have to say this, but there has been a worrying lowering of standards of behaviour in the playground. And in the classrooms. And most of all, in the staff room.

The bad feeling about the big European debate, with its frankly uncontroversial motion: This House believes the Headmaster is right about everything, seems to be infecting the school at every level and it’s time it stopped. I don’t want to name names but the worst offender is Mr Johnson, who has been running down the corridors shouting “Hitler!” at everyone he dislikes. This really is pathetic and the sort of exaggerated name-calling that Hitler himself would have used. Not that I’m comparing Mr Johnson with Mr Hitler. That would be childish – and the sort of thing that Mr Johnson does.

Moving on from Mr Johnson, Adolf – sorry, I mean Boris – has also been telling fibs about the bananas in the school canteen. He says that we’re only allowed to serve them in bunches of three. As he should know, the only thing that comes in a “bunch” are immigrants trying to get into the school. Thanks, Finky, D, for that one – better than all the “banana” jokes that weren’t good enough as put-downs, ie “Boris is bananas”, “Boris has slipped on a banana skin”, “Boris can’t control his banana” (actually, that one is quite good, Finky!)…


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7th June 2016
In This Issue private eye

Dodgy Oligarch Embarrassed by Prince Andrew Link… Outcry as Nurseryland Broadcasting Corporation Withdraws Four-and-Twenty Blackbird Pie Recipe… Cannes Victory for British Austerity Drama ‘I Duncan Smith’… Caveman Invents ‘Golf’ Club – Neanderthal Times Exclusive… Editors Fret as Readers Grow Immune to Antibiotic Scare Stories… BBC Attacks Government Over ‘Tired Old Programmes’… Bruce Anderson: The Pleasures of the Table, as told to Craig Brown

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- Two-tier privacy: Relief for the rich - but watch out, romping vicars.
- Laundry daze: Why the anti-corruption summit was all hot air
- Insider trading: Slicker on the Operation Tabernula convictions

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Private Eye Issue 1418