“I’m watching through clenched teeth!”
CHRIS BOYDE, ITV4

“That’s half of one and six dozen of the other”
LEE DIXON, ITV1

“What you don’t want to do is try and force a pass through the needle of an eye”
DAVID FLATMAN, ITV4

“We’re about 900 metres higher than Ben Nevis, the world’s highest mountain”
GUY MOWBRAY, BBC1

Please email your entries to balls@private-eye.co.uk. £10 paid for submissions printed in the magazine.