COLUMNISTS
Issue 1671
agri brigade
With Bio-Waste Spreader: "Acreage payments from the Countryside Stewardship Scheme in England to farmers who keep rare native breeds of beef cattle (see Eye 1669) on scarce flora-diverse grazing habitats might improve the survival chances of beef breeds like the Galloway and the Sussex. But there's now an existential threat to the diversity of British beef breeding from another quarter – the relentless rise in the proportion of premium British beef produced by crossing the Aberdeen Angus (AA) breed with dairy cows…"
medicine balls
With MD: "Baroness (Louise) Casey seems as unimpressed with the state of social care as Baroness Amos is with maternity care (see last Eye). Casey is chairing another independent commission on reforming social care which will eventually report to the prime minister. However, she unleashed some coruscating if unsurprising initial observations at the Nuffield Trust annual summit. ‘As the NHS has evolved, it has withdrawn from the community, reducing the number of beds they offer…'"
signal failures
With Dr B Ching: "The latest oil-market volatility makes Labour's halting of electrification of the Midland mainline (MM) look even dafter, as the decision could trigger yet another order for new diesel trains. London St Pancras to Bedford was already electrified in 2012, when the government confirmed the power wires would be extended to Sheffield, Nottingham and Corby. Network Rail did preparatory work along the MM before the Tories scrapped electrification north of Kettering…"
eye tv
With Remote Controller: "In this maxi-network era, terrestrial broadcasters struggle to keep stars. Last week, the BBC kept Claudia Winkleman – premiering another show for the corporation – but lost Louis Theroux, who has taken his latest documentary to Netflix. The Claudia Winkleman Show is explicitly a thank-you for staying faithful to the Beeb after The Traitors. But the reflex that a chat show is the top gong in the celebrity honours system feels very retro…"
keeping the lights on
With Old Sparky: "On the brink of another energy crisis, Europe can at least be glad Donald Trump started bombing Iran after the worst of winter had passed, because gas stocks are at a five-year low and no gas is flowing from global supplier Qatar. If the war lasts for more than a short while, it's likely continental European governments will reintroduce higher mandatory levels of gas storage, as they did in the 2022-23 crisis. The UK can't take this route..."
music and musicians
With Lunchtime O'Boulez: "There was awkward laughter last week when violinist turned festival director Nicola Benedetti announced – while Donald Trump's engines of war were throwing the world into chaos – that this year's Edinburgh Festival would be ‘a celebration of America'. Of course, her programme planning started long before the current madness, but it's decidedly uncomfortable. The only saving grace is that the actual content of the programme doesn't read like celebration at all…"
eye world
Letter from Caracas
From Our Own Correspondent: "So. Farewell then Nicolás Maduro, our moustachioed ex-supremo. The singing and dancing is over, and now you're languishing in a chilly Brooklyn jail. ‘Yes piss, no war!' That was your somewhat unlikely catchphrase. ‘Come and get me,' you taunted the gringos. So they did. Seldom can a chest-thumping corps of ‘revolutionary, anti-imperialist' generals have been so roundly humiliated as were Venezuela's Bolivarian Armed Forces on 3 January…"
in the money
With Gold Digger: "However credulously prime minister Keir Starmer and his advisers swallowed Peter Mandelson's answers to questions about his relationship with the paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, they could have taken more notice of the peer's indisputably patchy business record. Although Mandelson's consultancy work through Global Counsel largely took place under the radar, his more public involvement with an outfit called the Bank of London should have raised concerns..."
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Next issue on sale: 2nd April 2026
gnitty
ALSO IN THIS ISSUE
ONLY IN THE MAGAZINE
Private Eye Issue 1671
In This Issue
That presidential address in full... Iranyometer blows up in spectacular fireball... Those new ‘Chinese secret agent married to a Labour MP' films in full... Zelensky sends military support to Trump... Ship in a bottleneck... It's the end for Nurseryland Lords... Man finally buys Telegraph... Ukraine joy as Trump lifts Russia sanctions... Isabel Oakeshott's Diary, as told to Craig Brown

Shops of horrors
Vaping outlets feel the heat

Haven scent
The offshore bonanza fuelling Reform UK

Lord a-leaping
A new divide within the Mail empire

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Private Eye Issue 1670
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