St Theresa

The Headmistress Writes
Issue 1482
st theresa.jpg Good afternoon,

And it is a very good afternoon, as I have taken back control of the school.

After unfortunately being locked in the girls’ toilets by Mrs Foster, I successfully accomplished the smooth exit that no one thought I could manage. It was admittedly harder than I thought and involved some very delicate negotiations with Mr Raab, who managed to crowbar open a small window, giving me just enough wiggle room to clamber out without losing my dignity. Though I did lose one shoe, which has gone down the toilet, unlike the rest of me. For those of you in the Lower Sixth Fashion Soc who are interested in these things, the lost shoe was from the Jimmy Loo collection.

So, I’m back at my desk, which seems to be covered with empty takeaway pizza boxes, as though there have been meetings with someone sitting in my seat. I gather Mrs Leadsom took it upon herself to invite members of staff round as if she was the Headmistress and they sat there talking about my future.

Let me assure Mrs Loathsome and her “friends”, that they’re not going to slice me up or “take away” my job. In fact, I’m going to give them a pizza my mind! (Thanks for the three food-related jokes, Gavin, you’ve certainly delivered!) No, Mrs Leadballoon’s little party couldn’t even decide what topping they wanted, apart from topping me – (Gavin, you’re on fire. Like the pepperoni chilli diavolo!) – and their pathetic plot collapsed like dominos, which incidentally was where the pizza came from.

Mrs T May (Headmistress)

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Next issue on sale: 11th December 2018
Private Eye Issue 1482
In This Issue
Parliamentary privilege not used – MPs bravely don’t name themselves… Britain to continue selling brimstone to hell… Trump blames media for stoking violence… Halloween killer fury over inappropriate language… Billy Goat Gruff shot by Wicked Witch… World’s oldest metaphor found at bottom of sea… Alan Yentob meets Tracey Emin, as told to Craig Brown

Rags and Gags
How the press covered the Philip Green affair

Crock and Roll
Publishing invests in the Heritage Rock market

Egypt Watch
The UK and EU quiet about mass death sentences

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11th December 2018
Private Eye Issue 1481