St Theresa

The Headmistress Writes
Issue 1481
arlene-foster-2.jpg Good afternoon to you,

This is the Headmistress speaking. And rest assured, it isn’t Mrs May. Nooooo! Many of you will be wondering what has happened to the running of the school. Let me tell you, it’s in safe hands. At last. We now have a strong and stable staff room, consisting of my ten Loyal teachers, all perfectly in step and marching to the same tune – forget “Dancing Queen”, it’s now “Dancing King Billy” with a whistle solo.

Some parents have questioned my right to be running St Theresa’s when my own school is actually closed due to problems with the explosion of the cash-burning boiler and Irish lessons being cancelled.

The William III Orange Academy may technically be closed, but that is a bonus, since it all works perfectly well with no staff and the situation frees me up to take over St Theresa’s and save it from being taken over by outsiders (viz the Europeans).

So, let me explain what’s happening over the school’s departure from the European Education Union. The deal we are going to secure is a no deal. Or, as we like to say at the King Billy’s Academy, a Noooooooo Deal.

How does it work? It’s oh, so simple. It doesn’t. Mrs May makes a proposal and I say Noooooo! Mr Barnier makes a proposal and I say Noooooo!, which gets translated for him as Nonnnnnnnnn! Our motto is simple – No deal is better than a good deal. And that’s what the school’s going to get, whether they like it or not. Even Mrs May has got the idea, as I heard her screaming “Noooooo!” as she sat with her head in her hands in her temporary Portakabin office (formerly the girls’ lavatory).

So, what of the future? Under my guidance, we’re taking the school back to the good old days of the 80s. The 1680s! A time when King Billy took back control from a foreign European power – the Pope! – and placed it firmly back in the hands of loyal patriotic Protestants. And if they weren’t 100 percent British, then I’m a Dutchman.


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Next issue on sale: 27th November 2018
Private Eye Issue 1481
In This Issue
‘EU Treating Us With Contempt’, Says Man Who Treats Everyone With Contempt – Daily Borisgraph Exclusive… End of Austerity Marked Across Britain By No Celebration As Everyone Is Broke… May Appoints First Ever Minister for Political Suicide… Saudis Launch New Press Standards Campaign, Hacked-Up… Facebook’s UK Tax Bill Rises From Sweet FA to Bugger All… Why Aren’t My Children Drinking As Much As Me, by A Pissedoldhack… Eric Idle’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

Jail him!
Now it’s the People vs Boris Johnson

Desert rats
Saudi stooges and the Street of Shame

Drivel in excelsis
That royal coverage in full

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27th November 2018
Private Eye Issue 1480