Issue 1481
agri brigade
With Bio-Waste Spreader: "News that an elderly farmer from Nether Handley in Derbyshire has died after falling from a ladder while cleaning a combine harvester is yet another reminder that farming is Britain’s most dangerous profession. Is it time the government changed its approach to improving farm safety at work?...”
medicine balls
With M.D.: "Anyone who has read the Eye over the last 20 years will know that the Public Interest Disclosure Act 1998 (PIDA) does not always protect whistleblowers, nor even ensure that their concerns are investigated. Even worse, it gives whistleblowers false hope that they will be acknowledged and protected as they swim up the salmon trap of self-funded litigation against public bodies bent on protecting reputations using the might of tax-funded lawyers. The end results are predictably disastrous…”
eye tv
With Remote Controller: "Even the famously self-confident Eamonn Holmes was beginning to have doubts. ‘There will be people watching saying, “Why is this on TV?”’ he worried aloud, an hour or so into the three hours of This Morning at the Royal Wedding. Although the BBC still retains on the payroll a shadowy middle manager with the title of royal liaison officer, the corporation had declined the TV rights to the nuptials of the younger daughter of Fergie and Air Miles Andy, apparently on the grounds that ninth in line is too low in the pecking order to justify the dry cleaning bills for Huw Edwards’ special constitutional events suit. So ITV had stepped in…
[reviews of This Morning at the Royal Wedding (ITV) and Victoria Derbyshire (BBC2)]
music and musicians
With Lunchtime O’Boulez: "Online publication Arts Professional recently carried a feature extolling the virtues of the Royal Opera House’s involvement with marketing consultancy Baker Richards. Pricing policy across the auditorium has been re-jigged. Newspaper and magazine ads have been abandoned in favour of targeted promotion to young, techno-friendly audiences through Facebook. And it’s all – the piece insisted – been a huge success, with an astonishing 1,000 percent return on advertising spend. Read to the end of the piece, however, and who do you find credited as author of this tale of joy but one Tim Baker, boss of, er, Baker Richards…”
in the city
With Slicker: "’It is amazing how financial journalists, fund managers, analysts, bankers and company directors can still focus on the wrong numbers in the accounts.’ – Luke Johnson, Financial Times, 9 July 2013. That is obviously the case with the now very much ex-business guru’s premium cake shop chain Patisserie Holdings, which last week stunned the City with news first of ‘potentially fraudulent accounting irregularities’, then of the possible winding-up of its main trading subsidiary by the taxman over an unpaid £1.14m bill and finally disclosure of a near £30m hole in the accounts where the cash used to be. But were there clues to the real cash position hiding in plain sight in the Patisserie Valerie chain’s half-year statement to March 2018, issued in May?…”
road rage
With Hedgehog: "Theresa May used her speech at the Tory party conference to freeze fuel duty to help ‘hard-working families’. But how much of the windfall will accrue to people who are ‘just about managing’? Raising duty would damage the economy and reduce tax income, the road lobby insists – although it could stimulate the economy by reducing congestion (especially if some of the revenue went to cut bus fares and maintain or improve bus services). Last month chancellor Philip Hammond queried the tax argument, saying the freeze on fuel duty since 2011 had already deprived the treasury of about £46bn and would cost taxpayers another £38bn over the next three years…”
eye world
Letter from Kashgar
From Our Own Correspondent: "
Every Monday morning in this not exactly Chinese outpost of north-west China, our glorious red flag is raised and we sing the national anthem. ‘Arise, you who refuse to be slaves!... Arise! Arise! Arise! / Millions of but one heart braving the enemy’s fire! / March on! March, march on!’ But we aren’t great marchers, and the only people ‘braving the enemy’s fire’ are a rag-tag band of women clutching infants, and those young and old who haven’t yet been detained. They are herded together by an equally terrified assortment of petty officials waving video cameras and microphones trying to save their own necks…”
To read all these columnists and more in full, get the latest edition of Private Eye - you can subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale: 27th November 2018
Private Eye Issue 1481
In This Issue
‘EU Treating Us With Contempt’, Says Man Who Treats Everyone With Contempt – Daily Borisgraph Exclusive… End of Austerity Marked Across Britain By No Celebration As Everyone Is Broke… May Appoints First Ever Minister for Political Suicide… Saudis Launch New Press Standards Campaign, Hacked-Up… Facebook’s UK Tax Bill Rises From Sweet FA to Bugger All… Why Aren’t My Children Drinking As Much As Me, by A Pissedoldhack… Eric Idle’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

Jail him!
Now it’s the People vs Boris Johnson

Desert rats
Saudi stooges and the Street of Shame

Drivel in excelsis
That royal coverage in full

Read these stories and much more - only in the magazine. Subscribe here to get delivery direct to your home and never miss an issue!
ONLY £2.00
27th November 2018
Private Eye Issue 1480