St Theresa

The Headmistress Writes
Issue 1483
st theresa.jpg Good afternoon,

And it is in sombre mood that I ask everyone to join with me to commemorate that period in our history when for years there was continual fighting in the Great European War. Both sides were entrenched in positions that barely changed and the result was a criminal waste of human time.

One date above all others is etched into all our minds. March 29th, 2019, when an 11pm truce was declared and the fighting stopped – before it began again in earnest.

Monsieur Macron, the Head of the Soi-Disant Napoléon Académie Française de Paris en France, took it upon himself to lead the commemorations to this tragic event in our school’s history. And I met him, fittingly, at the Somme where I found myself bogged down and unable to advance when attempting to engage him.

I asked him if he had any words of advice for me and he responded with a two-minute silence, which I took as a clear mark of respect. He mentioned the debts owed, such as the £39 billion, and I remarked that it was a horrific price to pay for peace in our time. We agreed it must never happen again, unless of course it does.

Such a conflict is not easy to recover from and there is a possibility that a period of depression and severe rationing may ensue for a period of a decade or so. However, M. Macron and I stood together and quoted the old poem “We shall grow old talking about Brexit and so will everyone else. At the going to the bed of the Sun and the Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph, and in the morning, we will still be negotiating…

Mrs T May (Headmistress)

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Next issue on sale: 27th November 2018
Private Eye Issue 1483
In This Issue
Let’s Parlez Franglais: Armistice Jour: Le 100th Anniversaire… US Midterm Elections – Huge Win for No One… Brexiteers Heed Roughly 52% of Jo Johnson’s Words… Outrage as Minister Resigns on Principle… Roald Dahl’s Classic Stories: No 94 Fantastic Mr Führer… ‘I’ll Be Charming When I’m King’ Says Prince Charmless… Kenneth Rose’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

Isles of Arron
Slicker enters the Banks corporate maze

Paul v Al
The great Dacre v Rusbridger spat rolls on

Empire games
MoD’s about-turn on Commonwealth recruits

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27th November 2018
Private Eye Issue 1482