St Theresa

Good Christmas afternoon
Issue 1460
st theresa.jpg This is the time of year when we celebrate the Christmas miracle. Yes, I’m still here. And I’m getting on with the job, which nowadays consists mostly of saying “I’m getting on with the job”.

I’m delighted to say that at our last staffroom meeting of the year we put all our differences behind us and celebrated the festive season with the traditional Christmas punch-up between Mr Hammond, Mr Williamson, Mr Johnson, Mr Fox and everybody else, except Mr Davis, who said frankly he couldn’t be bothered as it was a lot of effort and he hadn’t prepared properly, so gave it a miss.

On reflection, maybe it was a bad idea to organise a staffroom Secret Santa, where everyone pulls a name out of a hat (thanks for the bowler, Arlene!) and has to buy them a present for less than £10. This was despite Mr Hammond’s protest that £10 was far too much and we couldn’t possibly afford it, given the state of the school finances.

Mr Hammond made matters worse by giving Mr Williamson (the new head of the CCF) a box of toy soldiers, from which he’d removed all the soldiers. It didn’t take Mr Williamson long to guess who this unamusing gift came from.

Mr Davis’ present was all tied up in red tape, which he tried to unravel but soon gave up. Mr Gove’s present was a bottle of poison, which to be honest could have come from anyone. He thanked us all at great length for such a thoughtful gift, which was a bit much for a £10 bottle of poison.

I pulled Arlene’s name out of the hat and I must confess went slightly over the £10 budget, to the tune of £999,999,990. She said it was just what she wanted, but frankly said it in a rather grumpy way.

Mr Johnson was given one of those amusing Christmas books that they sell by the till: A Bluffer’s Guide to Everything. Once again, he had no idea who had given it to him.

The final straw was Mr Green’s present, which frankly was in very poor taste. It was a vintage copy of the periodical Big Jugs which, to my shock, did not involve oversized ceramics. This led to an unfortunate cracker-style joke from Mrs Loathsom who quipped, “What’s green and red all over? Answer: Damian’s face!”…

Mrs T May

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23rd January 2018
In This Issue private eye
New from Gnomemart – The Royal Wedding Day FA Cup Final Commemorative Plate… Book of Revelation: Chapter 94: The Last Trump… Parents Urged to Look for Signs of Asthma if Their Children Wheeze and Win the Tour de France… Trumpelstiltskin to Send Cow to the Moon – Nursery Times Exclusive… Sparts Personality of the Year Won by Mo Mentum… I’m an Apprentice Masterchef Get Me Out of Celebrity Strictly Come Bake-Off Christmas Final – Xmas TV Highlights… Donald Trump’s Christmas Cheer, as told to Craig Brown

And also...

- Gnome’s Christmas Giftmart: It's Transgender Barbie & Ken – and more!
- Cartoons galore: Plus… The Dung Beetle Learning Guide
- Win free cash! Enter the Eye’s £250 mega prize crossword

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Private Eye Issue 1459