"Today was a lot harder than expected. I knew it was going to be"
PATRICK REED, YouTube

"You've been like... not Romeo and Juliet because that ended badly. Maybe Bonnie and Clyde"
CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN, BBC1

"You're just trying to keep your head under the pulpit"
GRAEME SWANN, Radio 5 Live

"Our base from three o'clock, Tottenham against Spurs"
MARK CHAPMAN, Radio 5 Live

"An American climber has scaled a half- metre-high skyscraper in Taiwan with no rope or harness"
CLARE RUNACRES, BBC 6 Music

Please email your entries to balls@private-eye.co.uk. £10 paid for submissions printed in the magazine.