"The goalkeeper suffered from cramp... which is not a physical thing"
HELEN WARD, Radio 5 Live

"All eight legs, 16 feet moving in the same direction at the same time"
NATASHA HUNT, Sky Sports

"Is it possible to edit out Gregg Wallace's bits?"
NAGA MUNCHETTY, Radio 5 Live

"You're a very self-defecating... deprecating is the word I just said, a self- deprecating man"
MATT RENDELL, ITV4

"Hulkenberg pulls out and finds a damp patch"
DAVID CROFT, Sky Sports F1

Please email your entries to balls@private-eye.co.uk. £10 paid for submissions printed in the magazine.