Issue 1482
agri brigade
With Bio-Waste Spreader: "Of all UK farm sectors sheep farming is predicted to be the most economically vulnerable to a “no-deal” Brexit. Nearly half of UK lamb production is exported to the EU, with 38 percent going to Belgium and France alone. Currently 5m lamb carcasses a year are exported to EU countries free of tariffs. Unless there is agreement between the UK and the EU, British lamb will face am import tariff of nearly £2,800 per tonne (this, it is estimated, would halve the value to farmers of each lamb exported)...”
medicine balls
With M.D.: "In a perfect NHS we wouldn’t need whistleblowers. Managers would thank staff for raising concerns and act swiftly to prevent avoidable harm to patients, as happens in many hospitals – but not all. If managers refuse to act and staff refuse to shut up, a protracted legal dispute is inevitable, with the odds heavily stacked against the whistleblower...”
signal failures
With Dr B Ching: "The only choice, Grayling insisted, was between passengers paying more every year or taxpayers paying more. Obviously the alternative of making the rail system more efficient – instead of it getting more and more cash while punctuality worsens – is out of the question. That is unsurprising, as improving efficiency would mean scrapping outsourcing (which Grayling still regards as a panacea) of train operations and infrastructure engineering).”
eye tv
With Remote Controller: "The announcement that the latest protagonist of Doctor Who was Jodie Whittaker was generally seen as a victory for feminism. Only once the regeneration was acted out on screen, with the character reflecting on the thrill of her new gender, did it become so clear that new showrunner Chris Chibnall had planted deep in family peak-time a transparent metaphor and celebration of gender transition…”
[reviews of Doctor Who(BBC1) and Butterfly (ITV)]
music and musicians
With Lunchtime O’Boulez: "According to Help Musicians UK, 60 percent of musicians suffer hearing loss and 80 percent of those who do say it’s attributable to their work as performers. If so, it’s clearly a problem. But it’s also a problem for cash-starved orchestras and opera companies to be vulnerable to claims when noise, of the musical variety, is (as the ROH argued) essential to what it does…”
in the city
With Slicker: "Invented cash in the balance sheet almost always means inflated profits in the profit and loss account. Patisserie Holdings has acknowledged historical financial statements are no longer reliable. The big question is, since when? The ever fatter profit margins reported since Patisserie Valerie floated in 2014 have a Madoffian consistency not shared by high street rivals battling rising wages, rents and rates, along with consumer spending cuts...”
eye world
Letter from Harare
From Our Own Correspondent
: "Given that spritely Emmerson Mnangagwa, our new 76-year-old leader, was for decades best pals with Robert Mugabe and played an unsavoury role in the massacre of 20,000 dissident civilians in the 1980-s, some of us are still not convinced of our prospects for transformation. Mnangagwa made a bad start, splurging hundreds of millions of dollars we did not have before last July’s elections distributing freebies like fertiliser and food to rural voters, fixing roads to constituencies he needed for victory and buying the loyalty of powerful politicians…”
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Next issue on sale: 11th December 2018
Private Eye Issue 1482
In This Issue
Parliamentary privilege not used – MPs bravely don’t name themselves… Britain to continue selling brimstone to hell… Trump blames media for stoking violence… Halloween killer fury over inappropriate language… Billy Goat Gruff shot by Wicked Witch… World’s oldest metaphor found at bottom of sea… Alan Yentob meets Tracey Emin, as told to Craig Brown

Rags and Gags
How the press covered the Philip Green affair

Crock and Roll
Publishing invests in the Heritage Rock market

Egypt Watch
The UK and EU quiet about mass death sentences

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11th December 2018
Private Eye Issue 1481