St Theresa

The Headmistress Writes
Issue 1453
st theresa.jpg Good afternoon,

I’m afraid to report that there has been another outbreak of bullying in the school. This is a very serious matter, particularly as I am the one being bullied. 

For a long time, I wasn’t sure who it was who has been going around the school saying nasty things about me. There is one particular “troll” who has taken to airing his unpleasant opinions about me in a photocopied free-sheet which he is giving away in the playground and in the car park.

It is with some sadness that I have to report that this vile troller is in fact the former bursar, Mr Osborne. These people usually turn out to have recently lost their jobs and to be sitting alone in their bedrooms, full of self-loathing and projecting their failure onto successful headmistresses. Mr Osborne is no exception and his latest rancid tirade of invective involves fantasising about cutting me up into small pieces and storing me in his freezer.

This is typical of Mr Osborne, who is obsessed with savagely cutting everything, freezing everything, and leaving a bloody mess behind him. It also shows that he’s very dangerous and not just when he’s in charge of the school finances. 

He managed to kill off one former Head of this school, who was supposed to be his friend, and now he’s determined to knife me in the back too. And the front. And the side. Well, I have news for Mr Osborne, something his free-sheet could do with rather more of. And that is that I am not a “dead woman walking”, I am very much alive and taking agreeable walking holidays across the Brexit Beacons – the views of Sterling Falls take your breath away at this time of year – where I have much better ideas than he ever did(!).

So, let’s hope this puts an end to all this childish behaviour, George. I won, you lost, so there!

Yours maturely,

Mrs T May (Headmistress)

To read all the current news from St Theresa, buy the latest edition of Private Eye - you can subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale: 31st October 2017.
gnitty
More From This Issue
More From Private Eye
Only In The Magazine
Private Eye Issue 1453

ONLY £1.80
SUBSCRIBE HERE

NEXT ISSUE ON SALE
31st October 2017
In This Issue private eye
Ryanair cancels flights to improve punctuality… Daily Tudorgraph: Protests Over Henry VIII’s ‘Power Grab’… Let’s Parlezment Franglais!… James Murdoch’s Argument for Allowing Fox to Take Over Sky, as Presented to the Competition and Markets Authority… Jacob Rees-Mogg’s Reasons To Be Uplifted In Modern Britain… Hillary Clinton: The Milk that Spilt, as told to Craig Brown

And also...

- Winter is Coming: Can the NHS cope with the seasonal crisis?
- A spook too far:
Le Carré’s tinker trouble
- Myanmar Crisis Watch:
Too strategically useful to be criticised?

For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.

Private Eye Issue 1452