St Theresa

The Bursar writes…
Issue 1478
philip-hammond.jpg Having taken a cool, hard detached look at the school’s finances and the likely outcomes spreadsheet vis-à-vis our departure from the EEU, I’ve come to the reasonable and rational conclusion that WE’RE ALL DOOMED!!! HELP!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! OF HUNGER, STARVING IN THE SCHOOL CORRIDORS, AS RATS ROAM THE CLASSROOMS EATING THE PUPILS AND THE SANATORIUM SPILLING OUT INFECTED ZOMBIES WITH NO MEDICINES TO CURE THEM AS WE GET SUCKED INTO A VORTEX OF STACKED-UP LORRIES ON THE SCHOOL DRIVEWAY. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to lie down as well.

Mr Hammond

Mr Raab writes...
Cheer up, Eeyore! That’s you I’m talking too, Mr Hammond – or Spreadfear Phil as you’re better known round the staff room. All these calculations are based on out-of-date figures, much like yourself. The actual figures are… well, we don’t want to alarm anyone at this juncture. Suffice to say that there really won’t be that many rats in the corridors and we’re hoping to limit the zombies to just marauding through the lower school. And as for the vortex of lorries filling up the school driveway... That’s nonsense! They’re going to fill up the playing fields, the playground, the staff car park and the chapel as well. I hope that reassures everyone. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to lie.

Mr Raab

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