St Theresa

The Headmistress Writes
Issue 1458
st theresa.jpg Good afternoon,

And what an extraordinary week we’ve had. I can’t remember a week like it. No one from the Staff Room has had to resign, not one Assembly has been interrupted by a policeman arresting a senior teacher for inappropriate behaviour, and none of my Heads of Department has held meetings with foreign Headteachers that I don’t know anything about – unless they haven’t told me.

Most remarkable of all – and make sure you’re sitting down for this one – the Bursar hasn’t messed up! In his annual review of the school’s finances – or should that be “revue”, given the number of amusing jokes I’m told there were in it! – he dazzled the Assembly with his quickfire wit, deadpan delivery and uncontroversial fiscal statements. Spreadsheet Phil was a distant memory, replaced by Spreadmirth Phil.

I know that not having any money isn’t always a laughing matter, particularly for parents on Mr Duncan Smith’s Universal Disaster Scheme, but good for Phil, he really found the lighter side of continuing austerity, rationing and gloom. All credit to him – or rather, all credit to everyone we owe money to, which appears to be everyone. No, seriously, Phil, we’re all in your debt. See, you’re not the only one who can do jokes. Mr Williamson can as well. Thanks, Gavin! In fact, Phil and I are now such good friends that he allowed me to take part in his comedy routine, providing the feed in the form of a cough sweet, cleverly reminding everyone of my very successful speech in Manchester, which brought the house down (well, some of the letters on the backdrop anyway).

A lot of you have been asking for a transcript of the speech, as delivered by the man they’re already calling the Bursar of Bantz ‘n’ Bellylaughs, Mr Philip Hammond, MA Oxon.

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In This Issue private eye
That Harry-Meghan Wedding Ceremony: What You Will See… How the Chancellor’s Budget Jokes Will Affect You… New from Labour – the John McDonnell iou-Pad… Zimbabwe Rejoices At Choice of Mass Murderer to Replace the Last One… ‘Millions More’ Now Favour Brexit, Say Paris and Amsterdam… World of Cricket: England Win the Bashes!... Does John Humphrys Really Work? By Walter Diviner… Missing Explorer Finds Lost Publicity… Gordon Brown’s Diary, as told to Craig Brown

And also...

- Royal Wedding Special: Fleet Street’s mystic mugs and more
- Legatum latest:
Pro-Brexit think tank writes the script for Gove and Johnson
- Philip Shammond:
The chancellor robs Peter… to pay Peter!

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Private Eye Issue 1457