St Theresa

The Bursar writes…
Issue 1478
philip-hammond.jpg Having taken a cool, hard detached look at the school’s finances and the likely outcomes spreadsheet vis-à-vis our departure from the EEU, I’ve come to the reasonable and rational conclusion that WE’RE ALL DOOMED!!! HELP!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! OF HUNGER, STARVING IN THE SCHOOL CORRIDORS, AS RATS ROAM THE CLASSROOMS EATING THE PUPILS AND THE SANATORIUM SPILLING OUT INFECTED ZOMBIES WITH NO MEDICINES TO CURE THEM AS WE GET SUCKED INTO A VORTEX OF STACKED-UP LORRIES ON THE SCHOOL DRIVEWAY. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to lie down as well.

Mr Hammond

Mr Raab writes...
Cheer up, Eeyore! That’s you I’m talking too, Mr Hammond – or Spreadfear Phil as you’re better known round the staff room. All these calculations are based on out-of-date figures, much like yourself. The actual figures are… well, we don’t want to alarm anyone at this juncture. Suffice to say that there really won’t be that many rats in the corridors and we’re hoping to limit the zombies to just marauding through the lower school. And as for the vortex of lorries filling up the school driveway... That’s nonsense! They’re going to fill up the playing fields, the playground, the staff car park and the chapel as well. I hope that reassures everyone. Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to lie.

Mr Raab

To read all the current news from St Theresa, buy the latest edition of Private Eye - you can subscribe here and have the magazine delivered to your home every fortnight.

Next issue on sale: 18th September 2018
Private Eye Issue 1478

ONLY £2.00

18th September 2018
In This Issue
    Brexit Wasn’t Given a Chance, Says Brexiteer Who Quit – Daily Borisgraph Exclusive… Summer Plotting to End Soon to Make Way for Autumn Plotting… House Prices Crash to 2% Higher Than They Were… Let’s Parlez Franglais: La Guerre des Scallops… Trump Prevented from Attending McCain Funeral by Bone Spur… How TV’s Bodyguard is Really Brilliant and Based on Me, by All Female Former Home Sexretaries… Madonna: In Memoriam, 2018, as told to Craig Brown
And also...
Hype casting
Book trade goes overboard for Sally Rooney
Galileo blow
It’s all about missile guidance, stupid!
Lootin’ with Putin
City suits and the Moscow gold rush
For all these stories you can buy the magazine or subscribe here and get delivery direct to your home every fortnight.
Private Eye Issue 1477